Lisa’s thoughts on offense vs. needs…
When I have a concern to share with my husband, I want him to listen and hear what I have to say. This doesn’t always go the way I plan because usually the thing I want to talk to him about is something he is doing that is hurting me. This same scenario plays itself out when Greg approaches me about something I am doing that is hurting him, I often get offended and then I don’t really hear what is going on that is hurting him.
So I had to ask myself, is my offense getting in the way of me meeting Greg’s needs?
Approaching each other about things that hurt is not easy, the response is usually one of defensiveness or offense. No one wants to hear that something they have been doing is hurtful, in fact, we usually will throw out an insult about something our spouse has done that is either similar or hurts us in the same way and before we know it we are in conflict!
Why is it so hard to just listen to what our spouse is telling us and say sorry?
After an encounter like this I sometimes have to stop and take a long hard look in the mirror and say “you’re not so perfect either there princess” and quit picking my husband apart in my head. If I am really feeling mature that day, I will seek God for assistance and let Him show me where to go. These two proverbs have corrected me more than once.
Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back. Proverbs 29:11 NLT
Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish. Proverbs 18:13 NLT
If I get truthful with myself about it, I usually don’t let Greg finish sharing with me what is hurting him before I decide to take offense and just hurt him all over again. And the kicker is, all I have managed to do is hurt him more and make him far more hesitant to approach me again when he has something else to share with me.
I guess the answer to the question I posed is yes, my offense does get in the way of me meeting my spouse’s needs and it get in the way of him meeting mine.
I remember hearing about a speaker who told a group of married couples at a seminar that the person who will move forward first in conflict is the one who is “more mature” and I find that this isn’t always me. I am going to try to pay more attention to what I am doing that is hurting my husband and I bet it will make him more willing to pay more attention to what he is doing that is hurting me.
Someone has to take the first step…
Greg and I spend s lot of time on the topic of marriage. We blog about marriage, we meet with other couples privately to talk about their marriage, we meet with groups of couples to talk about all our marriages and we have private talks about our own marriage.
Marriage enrichment has become a big part of our lives and we want to give a shout out to others that we know who also make this topic a large priority in their lives and the lives of others!
We belong to an organization call the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association, there are many members and we cannot tell you about them all, so please check them out at www.upliftingmarriage.com. We have gotten the opportunity to communicate with some of these great bloggers and we want to share the wealth of information and enrichment they have for you!
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
One flesh, biblical oneness, complete with each other is how we felt. God rained down his blessing of oneness on Brad and me though this season in our lives. Through trials, prayer, fasting and seeking, God answered us!
God also began to place a burden on our hearts for couples seeking to have a Christ-centered, one flesh marriage! It is out of that burden and much prayer that, One Flesh Marriage Ministries was born. This is God’s ministry and we are just attempting to share how He has led us, and how he transformed our marriage. We still have more to learn in the journey toward a one flesh marriage! We are excited to share with you a piece of that journey. We hope you join us!
I am simply a Christian wife with a heart to offer hope, encouragement and resources on this sensitive topic. I am like a lot of you, in that I juggle a full life. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a family member…and the days seem to fly by a bit too fast. It’s crazy! I love the Lord and I am tremendously grateful for the call on my heart to come alongside other women in their journeys. We are not quite as alone in it all as we sometimes feel. Julie is also co-author of the book Pursuit of Passion, it is a great book, check it out!
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled … [Hebrews 13:4a ESV]”
Our marriage got a rocky start due to the combination of my former porn use and Lori having a variety of sexual abuses in her past. The Church was not much on helping with sexual issues back then, so we muddled through ourselves with the Bible, a good deal of praying and crying, and what few Christian resources we could find. As God brought us out of the deep, dark valley, we started to see others with similar problems. Our initial intent was to minster about marriage in general, but when folks learned a Christian couple was willing to talk about sex, we got swamped in that area. A few years later, in 2001, Lori started The Generous Wife blog as a way to share the message of generosity she was learning to live in her life. The blog also gave her a chance to share about marriage beyond sex. Being a typical competitive male, I started The Generous Husband. Paul is also responsible for the blog thexycode.
Offering scripturally based, scientifically accurate information on sexuality since 1997! We pray this site help you find the depth of intimacy God intended through the gift of sex.
I’m a married Christian wife who writes about sex. I’ve been married for 22 years, have two teenage sons, and live in Friendswood, Texas — a bedroom community between Houston and Galveston. I hold a bachelor’s degree in history and a master’s degree in counseling. My mission to encourage Sex & Marriage by God’s Design was inspired by my personal story and God’s beautiful nudging.
J. Parker has been blogging about marriage and sexual intimacy since 2010 and has written two books, Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage and Behind Closed Doors: Five marriage Stories.
We hope this has given you a little taste of the wonderful enrichment materials available to you online, we so appreciate the hearts and time put in by all of the members of The Christians Marriage Bloggers Association.
We thank you for your contributions to our marital success and the support you have given us as fellow bloggers!