Wife (The Anti-Porn)

THE PEANUT BUTTER COOKIE

Let’s say that you are married to someone who is allergic to peanut butter and has asked you to never bring it into the house or to eat it because if you kissed he could get really sick. Now you do this for your spouse because you love him even though you like peanut butter cookies and they are hard for you to turn away from when placed in front of you.

On a Tuesday afternoon you are having coffee with a girlfriend and she offers you a peanut butter cookie, you know you shouldn’t have one but you really want one, it has been two years since you have gotten to eat a peanut butter cookie! You decide that just this once won’t hurt you, it is 2pm and you won’t see your husband until 6pm for dinner. You eat the peanut butter cookie, making sure you enjoy it slowly as you know it will be a really long time until you may be able to have another. You and your friend visit and enjoy the afternoon and then you head home to make dinner for your husband.

You get in your car to drive home and the paranoia starts to set it. What if he can smell me, what if I don’t brush my teeth well enough, he is going to know! Why oh why did I do that. If any of that peanut butter gets onto my husband it can make him very sick. He asked me not to do that, why did I do that? You arrive home and frantically run into the bathroom to brush your teeth and check you clothes for crumbs as a tell tale sign of the peanut butter cookie eating that has just taken place. You tell yourself you will never do this again, it isn’t worth it and if he finds out it will hurt him and make him mad.

You feel that the evidence is all gone and try to calm down while making dinner for your husband, you decide to make his favorite to set him off on the right foot incase he finds out about the cookie. You hear his car pull in the driveway and you start arguing with yourself in your head over whether or not you should just tell him because he is going to kiss you when he walks through the door. All of a sudden that peanut butter cookie has become a matter of life and death! What do you do? Would your husband divorce you over eating a peanut butter cookie? How mad will he be? The door opens and in walks your husband. He approaches you to embrace you for a hello baby kiss.

The above story may seem a little far fetched, but I am wanting to shed some perspective on what men typically go through after having viewed pornography, it is similar in process and we sometimes fail to see that there are other areas in our lives that have as severe of effects on our relationships as pornography although we would view them differently and with less severity.

PORNOGRAPHY

There are a lot of thought processes out there concerning pornography, here are mine to add to the collection.

I have viewed pornography during my lifetime. When I was younger I didn’t understand the damage caused by it, I have learned some truths about it and it has never been something I have wanted to go back to view. I was allured into the same trap that many men are so easily pulled into, so when reading my thoughts on the topic, keep in mind that I too have been guilty and I am not in judgment of others who have, I am presenting what I feel can be some solutions to the hurt it causes.

Pornography can be hurtful on so many levels.

When you are looking at pornography, you are watching God’s sons and daughters in ways you were never meant to see them, in private acts meant for a marriage relationship. The images that get looked at are of real people, these people are the children of a parent somewhere out there, and I wouldn’t want the world seeing any of my children in this way, just like I don’t want to see anyone’s children in this way.  When you are looking at pornographic images it causes your spouse to feel unsatisfactory, like they are not enough to fulfill you.  It can feel like cheating, you went around your marriage partner in an area sacred to marriage.

It can be hurtful if you mention something you have seen for your spouse to try with you because they know where you learned it.

If your spouse was looking at pornography, how would you feel about it? Be truthful. Most people I have asked this question have let me know they would be really upset, especially the people who have admitted to me that they have looked at it.

Conclusions I have drawn

Men discover porn because of curiosity and the unfortunate availability of it during this time in history.  Men are visual beings and they get drawn into it like a moth to a flame.

I feel that pornography eventually becomes something men run to out of hurt. Whether it is that they are angry, frustrated, sad, etc. Men will go to porn for a reason and usually that reason is to fulfill something emotional that is missing for them. It may be that they are not receiving acceptance from their spouse and they like to view images where the partners are enthusiastic about each other. It may be that they are trying to make themselves feel better about something they have done and they feel that if they view people doing something they feel is worse it makes them not feel so bad.

Pornography is a circumstance in life; it is a choice people make when they bring it into their marriages.

How do you handle other circumstances in your marriage?  I feel that like any other circumstance in life, pornography should be handled as a couple. If there is an understanding of a problem going on and there can be open communication about it, the issue is more likely to be solved. Whoever is viewing the porn should be responsible for themselves not viewing it, but it would be much easier to overcome with a support system and your spouse is the best support system you have. I think there are some key areas to address when combatting this together. Understanding why the spouse is going to pornography is the first place to start. If you can honestly look at what is drawing a person there you can address that issue.

Wife (The Anti-Porn)

As a spouse of someone who struggles with pornography, I have placed myself in the line of fire with him, instead of at him.  We combat this enemy together and I take the responsibility very seriously.  I don’t want pornography to be a part of my marriage so I have been proactive with my husband about the causes and have discussed with him how I sometimes play a role in his urge to want to view it.  I put the responsibility solely on my husband to not look at pornography, but I take responsibility for the contributors I have and in being purposeful about meeting the needs of my husband so that he wants to come look at me, not at pornography.  I make every attempt at being what my husband needs sexually and emotionally so that anything else would pale in comparison, any husband I know would rather be really doing it than watching strangers do it.

Don’t get me wrong, I get upset if there is a slip and pornography is viewed.

Luckily it has been quite awhile, but I know it is like smoking or alcohol or any other thing that tempts people, they always have the ability to slip back.  The one area I had to combat for myself was that I wanted it black or white and what was the consequence for a slip up.  Would I really leave if my husband viewed pornography again?  Would my husband really leave me if I ate a peanut butter cookie?  I had to learn some grace with my husband and to put it in perspective for myself.

Pornography is never ok with me, but how I behave about it is on me, not my husband. 

7 Comments

  1. Who cares about porn or peanut butter cookies. If your man is looking at porn and not doing you, (unless there is some justification (period, sickness, yeast infection, pregnancy issues, etc.)) then boot him to the curb. Wise man once told me, men who have something sexually once, will want that again and again as long as it was pleasurable to them. Men are visual when it comes to sex (porn). Meaning regardless if they cannot look at it due to the wife, g/f, etc. they are still thinking about it, and missing it. Is this not the same as cheating even though he does not tell you? Of course it is, men will still lust for something “they used to have or have had” they will keep it secret if it becomes a problem for those around him. Hence the term closet case. Sounds like your husband is a closet case porn addict. If he was of God, and followed God like he was supposed to, then this issue would not arise. I bet he looks at porn when he is alone in the house by himself, and is skilled in the art of erasing his history on the computer/ phone so no one finds out. As for peanut butter cookies, he feels no guilt other than the guilt of being caught and the ensuing crap he will have to endure to calm you down. He will plead and vow never to do it again. The problem here is that men are men. Men were put on this earth to sow their seed in as many woman as they can. Just as a dog or cat “mates” with any available mate they can as much as they can regardless of the color. So ask yourself, do you trust your husband to not look at porn when no one is around? From what you wrote, I wouldn’t. I would move on to a real Godly man who has grown up in religion and has his priorities straight.

    • @Julie

      Thank you for taking the time to read our blog, we really appreciate your input. It sounds like this topic hits really close to home and you may have been really hurt and we are sorry if that’s true for you.

      Greg & Lisa

  2. I would have to agree with Julie on the comment about once a man has experienced something sexually; he seeks that again and again to achieve gratification. Similarly women tend to have the need to feel secure; as to say once they have had a certain amount of security, they need to keep that level, in the case of financial security. It’s a delicate balance for sure. I also listened to Greg’s post and I have to say that he has some growth to do here. It is not your wife’s responsibility to keep you from feeling rejected; you have a lot to do with this. I feel that you need to take some ownership here from what you said you are leaving a lot to chance and it sounds like a huge area for a cop-out if you will.Porn is very dangerous in this respect also because once you see it, the images are in your mind. What’s to keep you from slipping to those images while in the shower by yourself for example, are you going to tell your wife about it? As a man I can identify and feel sympathy for the struggle.

  3. bbreid1999@gmail.com

    January 19, 2014 at 1:31 AM

    Here’s a man’s perspective ladies: there was a sweeping statement made with “once a man has experienced something sexually; he seeks that again and again to achieve gratification”. I guess that using that logic, all men are the same, then, right? Just like all women are the same, right? Oh wait not all women are the same. Well then, maybe just maybe not all men are the same. And indeed they are not. Men can and do change. I am a living example. Using that kind of logic though we could paint a broad righteous stroke with food – so so many of Christians are gluttons and are defiling the very temple of God (per the Word!) itself by overeating! Their sin is obvious – they are fat for goodness sakes – who needs more proof! Off with their heads! But we know that not to be true. Or what about this – from a man’s perspective, Christian women DO love to gossip. Oh, they call it a number of different things – but we know that speaking ill of someone or at least passing along some juicy tidbit (for prayer purposes only) is akin to murdering them. So many so-called Christian women are murderers! Do you see where I am going with this train of thought? None of us are perfect, we all have our areas. We all can be healed when we want to and when we allow God to and when we humble ourselves. I have learned thru God and many Christian bloggers/tweeters how porn wrecked my way of thinking – so much so that i never thought it honestly was bad. No surprise, i was not raised Christian in a secular world. And I am bombarded day by day by sex in ads. But now I know better and God is doing such a wonder in me with this area I never cease to be amazed. This whole intimacy thing – strange and wonderful and fulfjilling. Both in the flesh and the spirit. If God can heal the man of porn, He is also strong enough and able to heal also the woman of the other half of it. We all need to pray for one another. Some situations do call for tough love and drastic measures, yes. Others – no. If any of us lacks wisdom on what to do, let them ask God. He knows the right and best move for every situation.

  4. BTW, Greg & Lisa – that is a really awesome cookie analogy. Truly spot on. There is a switch that the Holy Spirit can flip in a man’s head/heart/soul that allows him to see that a woman is more than just a v*gina and that s*x is more than just having a physical orgasm. So much of foreplay takes place outside of the bedroom all week long, in moments of tenderness and compassion. Two souls being kind to one another despite flaws. Two people willing to lay down their pride and whatever else to venture into each other’s worlds all week long outside of the bedroom. If we (men and women) are created in God’s image and likeness, that means that by ourselves we are only 1/2 of it. The beauty of the intimacy that a couple can have is a melting together and fusion of souls that goes beyond words. It’s akin to those moments of prayer when we are caught up in the Spirit and words cease to have meaning and yet words/thoughts are exchanged with God at light speed from His lips to our soul..without even being said.

    This is why porn falls so short of the mark. This is where porn falls way short. It is like the cheap piece of chocolate bought in a gas station in the middle of nowhere versus some homemade ganache. If you have ever had ganache, a Snickers bar can never satisfy you again. An orgasm with porn is just a very cheap and unsatisfying substitute for the beauty and depth and wonder that an orgasm with your spouse whom you love and have put in the work of the relationship can be – it is a thing of wonder and beauty that can’t even be described other than the 2 become one flesh. The 2 1/2’s become the one whole that was meant to be. Once that clicks in a person’s mind/heart/soul….porn is exposed for what it is: a very empty substitute that cheats us from something that feeds our soul in ways I can’t begin to describe.

    But we live in a society that bombards us in everything from car ads to music on the radio/video to whatever with sex as the pull/lure. So we have to make choices. Day in and day out. Sometimes the choices overwhelm us and we get weary and we lose sight of it all and we eat the cookie.

    It makes me think of the movie The Matrix when Neo woke up and realized what was going on. We are being fed lies. We need to filter what we allow in to our eyes/minds/hearts. (Above all things, guard your hearts Prov 4:23) We need to monitor what we allow into our lives just like the guards who kept midnight watch by walking the walls of their cities in OT times to keep an eye out for the enemy. Not from some paranoid “not gonna sin because I am just an evil sinner and God will git me for it” mentality but rather as a protection of what is good and pure. Much like I keep an eye out for predators from my small kids. I need to pro-actively make sure that I protect what is pure and innocent from being polluted or spoiled. And I need to aggressively do that with my kids and in like fashion, realizing that temptation comes when I least expect it, I need to monitor my intake aggressively. Which means I make sure that as much as possible, I remove the sources of the temptations. Perhaps less TV, less (fill in the blank). That’s not a horrible trade off really. God honors our first steps and blesses our efforts.

    I will then get to a point with the help of the Holy Spirit where I begin to see temptation as it comes and recognize it from afar, remembering that sometimes I do need to hunker down and do battle. I have switched my thinking from “oh no temptation has set upon me I am soooo evil for even thinking this way/God must hate me already/I might as well just give in now”…to…”ok, here it comes, thank you Lord for allowing me to see it. Just because a temptation has come to me, it does not mean that I am bad or evil but rather I am entering battle. I surrender it to you otherwise I will mess this up all by myself” and begin to pray/read the Word and recall the beauty and wonder of what is pure and good with my wife. Suddenly temptation blows away like dust in the wind. Just like God said it would. Recall that God only allows temptations to us that He is confident we can beat with our surrender and His help.

    Just like Joshua – Deut 7 – the promised land was given to the Israelites, it was a done deal. But God told Joshua that he would have to fight battles to win the land. The battles were already won but Joshua needed to see and know that despite the odds, God was the reason the battles were being won lest he get all full of himself. God does the same – to show us we can have victory and also to show us that He is the source of our victory …lest we get too full of ourselves and think we are winning the battles all ourselves (1st Corin 9:12 If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall”).

    I find it both very puzzling and yet wise that God would tell say to Joshua (Deut 7:22) that “The LORD your God will drive out those nations before you, little by little. You will not be allowed to eliminate them all at once, or the wild animals would muliply around you.” There is some connection here with what Jesus said in Matt 12:43 about ““When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, but finds none. Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when it comes, it finds the house empty, swept, and put in order. Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that person is worse than the first.”

    I love to recall that while it took God 1 night to get the Israelites out of Egypt (Exodus) it took 40 years to get “Egypt” out of the Israelites. Perhaps that is why we are told in Ephesians to continue to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. That work/phrase “work out” is the same word in Greek that is used for calculating a math problem – a diligent and consistent effort to get to the desired end result. We live in a sex saturated society that requires us to recognize it for what it is and what it will do to us if we let it. So…we have the responsibility to do what we must to remove our selves from the source of all the lies and temptation as much as possible to allow God to begin to reform our hearts/minds/souls and restore them to the wholeness and wholesomeness that reflects the way they were meant to be.

    It all clicked for me but it took time. I was raised “heathen” and had to leave “Egypt”. My brain was saturated with “Egyptian” thought. But God is good and faithful to those who seek Him…and other times He is faithful even when we run like a prodigal son from Him. Thank God for that mercy, eh?

    Ephesians 5 tells me as a husband to love my wife like Christ loved the church. Men – we live in our own little world. Bachelorhood – the perfect state! All about us and no worries, no complicated feminine “issues” and emotional stuff to deal with, just ESPN and nachos! Woo hoo! But Jesus had it even better: He was in heaven of all places, with the Father. Perfect in every way, better than any bachelorhood. What did Jesus do? He left his perfect place to come to an imperfect place and submitted Himself to the point of dying to self for the sake of love. Well….using that logic, if I am to love my wife like Christ loved the church (His bride), then I guess I am to leave my man-world and actively go into the uncharted territory of my wife’s crazy world which has things like “issues” and “emotions” and “feelings” and all that there complicated feminine type stuff that I know nothing about…and lay down my bachelor/man ways and learn about her and her ways. Jesus left His perfect world and came to ours and died here. That is my mission then: to leave my self, my man-world, to go into her crazy wilderness that I don’t always like or understand…and love her. And die to my self there in loving her.

    I often say to myself that foreplay begins as soon as the orgasm is over.

    It doesn’t begin an hour before it happens – it begins as soon as my last orgasm with my wife is over. That next time that my wife and I are together starts right then and there – in a thousand little things that occur between my wife and I all week long, day in and day out. Her desire for me takes shape over the week and I have a large part to play in that. So that when I make “the suggestion”… the groundwork of that wonderful spousal time together has been intricately woven and is in place. If I fight with her all week long and am a jerk, she is not going to want to be with me. But if i faithfully venture into her world and learn about her, am interested in her, love her with the language and ways and manners that she understands (in a “Men are from Mars/women are from Venus” kind of way) even though I may not understand it completely….it somehow bridges the gender gap between us. The differences lessen. We realize that we are more similar than we realize. And we love.

    And when *she* makes “the suggestion” to me – it tells me that I am doing it right.

    And that’s a win-win.

    And that’s why porn loses every time. It’s not because I can beat my chest and be all full of swagger because “kicked my porn habit to the curb” and I am a “strong brave Christian prayer warrior and man of God Almighty Jehovah Yahweh Himself”.

    It’s because my heart changed because I submitted to God. He taught me the truth. And the truth set me free. And what prisoner would willingly go back into their cell once that have tasted that sweet beautiful freedom?

  5. Julie & Bradley – I apologize if my initial response was too blunt. It was a knee jerk reaction and perhaps I should have waited and thought out my response before I hit “send”. I have seen vast and unbelievable changes in my desires. Old things have past and behold – new things have come. I truly am a new creation. So there is hope even for all of the porn “Sauls” out there – thru the help of God, “Sauls” can become “Pauls”. God bless.

  6. Here is something which I found very interesting. Hope you do too. Just another piece of the puzzle of men and women and all that.

    http://sexwithinmarriage.com/2012/08/all-you-want-is-sex/

    Somedays I marvel at how little I understand myself! This does make sense from a man’s point of view. Which could explain why men, while being so driven in this way…get sidetracked by porn, the cheap alternative. It’s a complicated thing, I admit, but if I seek God, He guides me and sets me straight. God bless.

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