New Loveseat

What Are We Fighting For?

Repost from June 2014, looking back through this today I thought it was worth sharing again…

Have you ever had a really stupid fight with your spouse, the kind of fight where you are not even sure why you are fighting?

I had one of those last week with Greg and God used it to show me wisdom in the chaos.  Greg and I were having a disagreement about the way something was said, not even about that it was said.  Communication is a place where Greg and I will have breakdown and we work really hard to build this skill, this was not a day we were succeeding.

I knew I was wrong in the disagreement, I just wasn’t sure where yet.

As Greg and I were speaking back and forth and the confusion and tones in our voices were escalating, I decided to walk away and not go down that road with him.  This was certainly not the answer to our disagreement, and I used the time to talk to God about our disagreement and He caused me to ask myself some pertinent questions about our disagreement.

What was I fighting about?

To be really honest, at the time I was unsure what we were fighting about.  I thought the fight was stupid and unnecessary.  God helped me to realize we were fighting about what we usually fought about…which was the “way” we were fighting!  We usually don’t fight about what we disagree on, we fight about how we treat each other while disagreeing.  This was useful information that I already knew, but it never seems to stop me when I am in a disagreement with my husband.

What was I fighting for?

This was the question that caught my attention and it brought me into repentance.  In this instance, I was fighting “for” my husband.  I was trying to have him understand that I was not trying to correct him and I wanted him to know I valued what he was trying to say, the only problem was, I had totally gone about it the wrong way and contributed to a mess.  What I was trying to gain had caused me to hurt my husband rather than lift him up.

I think in the future if I can stop myself and try to figure out what I am fighting for, I can hopefully manage my emotions to gain what it is I am trying to gain.

I don’t like disagreements with my husband, but we usually come out of them with a better understanding of each other and respect where each other was coming from.  I have decided to work on my mouth and tact to also be better able to get to where I want to go, not just know where I was coming from.

If you are going to fight, you should probably know what it is you are fighting for.




  • Bob Day

    Joyce and I have had this happen many times as well. One key is to understand that usually one of you in our case me ! Is driven much more by emotion rather than logic and reason. This leads to a breakdown fast ! A person driven by emotion often only hears the high points in a disagreement rather than focusing on the bigger picture . This can feel threatening and lead to hurt feelings when they hear only what sparks them emotionally. This is something that I have worked very hard on and frankly when I really LISTEN ! Our marriage benefits greatly ! Once again great material. Thank You !

  • Heather B

    Even after 18 years, we still are a work in progress. I did just finish reading a great new book I think is great for all wives (even husbands) at any stage of marriage. It’s called “The Wholehearted Wife: 10 Keys to a More Loving Relationship,” by Erin, Greg and Gary Smalley. It helped me understand that I need to work on me, and that is my greatest influence on my marriage relationship. Of course, the 10 “keys” include communication, resolving conflict, defusing anger, forgiving, etc. Biblical, inspirational, affirming. One of my favorite quotes is, “When we turn to God for help, he fills us with his love and enables us to see ourselves and our husbands through his eyes. Keep in mind that a wholehearted wife focuses first on her own heart!” I highly recommend it!

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