In going through the Reconciliation chapter in Love After Marriage we realized that sometimes you have to go back through the mess to clean it up. In talking through some issues that we wanted to reconcile, we found it important to understand why the person was still hanging onto the instance, and to do this we had to go back into the mess a little bit.
Now we were being purposeful about our conversations for reconciliation sake, so we tiptoed through our mess to pick out the offense, we didn’t waltz in and kick all the dirt back up again.
When we argue, we sometimes have a propensity towards blaming each other or adding the phrase “but you” right after we try to take responsibility for what we did. We found it key in this process to take responsibility for our action and not be able to add any further information, just a pure and simple statement of “here is what I did that hurt you”.
Sometimes just acknowledging what we did can free someone from the hurt it caused them.
This reconciliation process took us further, it allows for the person apologizing to go through the emotions of telling the other person of the pain they think they caused and how they feel about causing the other person pain. I know in my life I have apologized for things without really contemplating what I was apologizing for or truly acknowledging what my actions may have caused for someone else.
Just saying we are “sorry” doesn’t always cleanse a wound thoroughly.
Greg and I really have gained a better understanding of each other through this process and we will continue to utilize this tool to keep our relationship from having a laundry list of resentments. Check out the book Love After Marriage to see what God has in store for your marriage!