PORN

I am not a smoker, I did try very hard to be one in my youth to “fit in” in high school for about 4 months, but I just couldn’t hack it.  I stopped quite easily because I did not “like” smoking, but to this day all my friends who are smokers try quitting again and again and again.  I know of a person from my past that recently started smoking again after having been a non smoker for nearly 15 years!

The reason I assume it’s so hard to quit smoking is that the motivation behind quitting is trumped by that fact that the smoker enjoys smoking.  It’s when the smoker stops “enjoying it” or that the harm it poses outweighs the enjoyment it provides that they are able to quit and be truly free of it.  My wife was a smoker for roughly 17 years of her life or so, she has mentioned the occasional spur of a craving from time to time.

OK, the reality: I “like” porn!

I know its bad for me. It affects my marriage. I know it’s bad, I choose not to pursue it anymore but it is a battle!  I was finally able to view the spiritual consequences to tip that scale. I always knew it was bad for me and my relationship, but it wasn’t until I could feel the spiritual consequences and see them manifesting into my marriage that I could stop returning to my sin.

I live my life on guard against the occasional spur of a craving from time to time…lets be honest, I am presented with temptation almost daily.

Recently in a coaching session I had the thought of asking a gentleman “what” he liked about it… I figured that if he was aware of that, he could redirect that attention to his wife and revive their sexual relationship. Also, if his wife was aware of what he was seeking by going outside of their relationship for fulfillment she may be able to come along side him in the battle to insure that she was meeting that need.

In turn I also answered the same question to him to be vulnerable and fair. To be sure he knew I wasn’t high and mighty as if “porn” didn’t affect me…

When I watch movies or read books, I tend to find myself in the perspective that I am living out what the characters are living out, so I confessed that for me the lure towards porn is the observation of seeing the female appearing affectionate, enthusiastic, eager, and passionate to serve her counter part in the “story”.

I was first lured to porn in hopes of feeling loved the way I would best feel loved.  I need my wife to be an affectionate, enthusiastic, eager, and passionate sex partner. And way more often than she is able or willing.

What a danger zone!!!

When your enjoyment of anything trumps its consequences, you will justify it until you are blue in the face.  Identifying “why” you enjoy it, so you can replace it with something positive, as well as identifying what makes it harmful is also a good course of action to make significant beneficial changes for you.

Ok so try to dig deep inside your heart and answer “why” you “like” porn.

Here are some issues porn can cause in your relationship…

#1 Porn invites comparison

#2 Porn encourages lies

#3 Porn lowers self-worth

#4 Porn robs us of intimacy

#5 Porn is adultery (but so are romance novels…just saying)

http://www.covenanteyes.com/2012/02/27/christian-marriage-advice-5-ways-porn-will-hurt-your-marriage/

I once had a friend describe to me in excruciating detail a porn clip he had watched.  He was so enthusiastic! So caught up in it! So excited! He got me worked up with his enthusiasm and I was a new Christian trying really hard to fight that temptation…

So I said to him with disgust…Dude! 

Think all the way back through that erotic moment for you and relish in the way you described the details and picture the woman you just told me about…now replace that woman’s face with that of your 2-year-old daughter.  He was appalled and told me how disgusting and horrible I was.

I responded “dude, when you watch that stuff just remember that those women are somebody’s mothers, aunts, wife, sisters, or daughters!  Would you watch your mothers, aunts, wife, sisters, or daughters do that stuff with such enthusiasm?  We have never touched the subject since.

Ironically like a secret smoker, I have been back to porn since I said those things to my friend, it is so shaming to keep returning.  As of now it’s been a while since I have viewed anything, but I am so careful because any time in my life I have started patting my self on the back for not being back to view porn is when I find myself in the middle of watching, wondering what just happened to me???

Now I feel it is appropriate to confess what is my biggest trigger to return is (do you feel like I am foreshadowing to prepare you for my wife’s blog next Tuesday? that is because I am!)  The feelings that make it most difficult to resist the lure are when I am hurt enough and there is enough of a disconnect with my wife that I am tempted to return to porn due to feeling bitter, resentful, and angry about being sexually rejected by my wife.  Or rejected by my wife for any reason honestly.

OK, sorry, I have to recap this for my own sanity…

Here is my potential crazy cycle.  I need my wife to be an affectionate, enthusiastic, eager, and passionate sex partner, and way more often than she is willing or able.  The feelings that make it most difficult to resist the lure are when I am hurt enough and there is enough of a disconnect with my wife that I am tempted to return to porn due to feeling bitter, resentful, and angry about being sexually rejected by my wife.  Or rejected by my wife for any reason honestly.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster that sometimes feels useless to fight!

What does a guy do about it?

For now, the only answer for me is to run not walk to God when tempted and find a way to be able to have openness and vulnerability in my marriage and be a huge encourager of keeping my wife as close to God as I can help her be!

Please share your thoughts and or experiences so that the rest of us may find some useful solace in your failures and successes…

2 Comments

  1. I am a smoker and have tried many times to quit. The longest stretch of not smoking was a week and a half while on a missionary trip to Honduras.

    Like most men my age, I accidently ran across my dad’s stash of magazines as a child. I did enjoy what I saw despite the feeling in the pit of my stomach that said it was wrong. And yet, I kept sneaking back for more.

    As it progressed into video watching as a teen I found myself watching when I was bored or lonely. Once I became an adult it was bad. I went down a road I wish on no one. When I got married it was bad. I never cheated on her physically but emotionally and spiritually.

    It wasn’t that my wife wasn’t good enough in bed or not being available sexually. It was, as you said….I enjoyed porn.

    Now, I try to avoid it at all costs. I don’t go looking for it. It finds me…because it is everywhere. But I do not let my mind go there. I know how my love would feel if she saw me looking at anything with lust. I know the pain she would feel if I did look at porn.

    Thank God my desires are for her and her alone. It took years to get to this point in my life. I am thankful for my friends who have walked with me, supported me and prayed for me during my journey to freedom.

    Thanks for addressing this huge issue Greg. We need to share and let others know there IS freedom. My story is deep. I’ve shared part of my story on my blog but mostly it is shared one on one with other men who are struggling and wanting to stop.

    God bless,
    Stu

  2. I love your honesty in this post. I would swear that you wrote this about my own life and the struggles I have endured and continue to work to overcome. Thank you for sharing and I hope that helps others find healing in their life.

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