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#4 Putting the S In Sex

This summer we are revisiting our top 10 posts, #4 Putting the S In Sex

was originally posted November 9, 2013

Ok, so I am going out on a bit of a limb here…

I feel that women need to play more of a role in the sexual relationship in their marriage.  A lot of women feel a lack of satisfaction with the sexual relationship they have with their spouse but they never speak up about it.  I have been frustrated by the sexual differences between me and my husband.   The frequency of our sexual needs don’t line up and we can’t seem to find enough time to have quality sex some days, raising four children and running our own business keeps us very busy!

The key to figuring this out is to figure out your spouse, not what some book says in general about sex in marriage.

My husband’s #1 need is sexual fulfillment and on my list, you guessed it, it is #10 right at the bottom.  Through many conversations with Greg I have gained an understanding of this need for my husband and why it is important to him.  The answer I come up with in the end is that it is mostly about me, not just all about him.  Sex is his way of bonding to me, it is his way of getting to take in all of the things he finds beautiful about me.  It is not a selfish act to make his body feel good, it is the way he shows me affection and how much he cares for me.  Taking the time to learn about my spouses view on sex changed how I view our sexual relationship.

Looking at something from another perspective can change how you respond to it.

I now look at sex in marriage very differently than I did 5 years ago and this led us to be very proactive about our sexual relationship.  I am very invested in meeting this need for my husband and he is more than willing to love me the way I need to be loved when we are intimate.  This didn’t happen overnight, years of talking openly about both of our needs have helped us get to a place where we are feeling united about our sexual relationship.  It isn’t always perfect, but we both feel good about it and that is important.

If I left our sexual relationship totally up to my husband I would be left frustrated and find myself not wanting to have sex with him.

I found myself needing to voice my desires, opinions and needs to my husband in a loving way so that we could both get the best out of sex in our marriage.  I found myself coaching my husband through some things that I liked, this enhanced the sexual experience we had and opened the doors for other conversations.  The point being, I had to open my mouth and share what I wanted and needed for my husband to be able to give it to me.

Tell your husband how to best love you, you can’t expect him to guess and get it right every time and then be mad about it.

Talking openly about this topic with your spouse can sometimes be uncomfortable and a little embarrassing, but hey, if you can have sex, you should be able to talk about it together.  Ladies, step up and let your man know you love him and let him know how you like him to love you.  You can only bring increased “satisfaction” to your sexual relationship and put the “S” in sex between you!

#5 Holiday Intimacy

This summer we are revisiting our top 10 posts, #5 Holiday Intimacy

was originally posted December 3, 2013

Lisa on staying one through the holidays…

This time of the year can be a tough time to maintain oneness with my spouse.  There is far more running around to do, time spent with extended family is increased, finances are decreased and the children are home from school for many extra days.  Not to mention cold, snow and less daylight hours in our part of the country!

This year I am just learning to say thank you so much, but that is not going to work for our schedule.

The holidays are a time of year where we tend to over extend ourselves. Friends are having parties, family expects us at their house sometime during the holiday and extra time is spent on baking and gift preparation.  Greg and I are relocating our business over the Christmas break this year and we are focusing on provision for our family and a smooth transition for our students, taking this into consideration we have decided that we will not take on any extra tasks or outings in December.  We decided to put each other and our family first by not spreading ourselves too thin.  It is important to both of us to maintain our time of intimate growth, I don’t just mean sex, but that is usually a surefire way to de-stress and bond us to each other.

We love our friends and family and we know they will understand our decision during this transition.

The holidays can also be a time of conflict.  Some family conflicts never seem to go away and the wounds get rubbed back open when you spend time together.  There aren’t many big conflicts in our family, but there are a few things that get touchy.  Greg and I try to draw near to each other during the holidays, avoiding becoming enemies during this stressful time can be difficult, we have to be proactive.  We have had great talks about what hurts us and what we don’t appreciate and have tried to be shields and a comfort for each other if situations arise.  Helping each other keep a right heart during the holidays keeps us right with each other and ready to come to the aid of the other if necessary.

When all else fails, a happy spouse can facilitate your comfort at a family get together.  God loves a peacemaker!

When it comes to gift giving we try to keep it simple.  We are not the Rockefellers and we have four children so we try to maintain a reasonable budget during the holiday season.  I am not a “gifts” person(by the five love languages standard)so I don’t put as much pressure on myself as someone who may have a “gifts” need to get the perfect gift or gift wrapping for each person.  I have even been known to go the gift card route, people love them and they get to pick out what they want.  In the past Christmas cards have been a stressor for me.  Who should all get one?  Feeling guilty about the people I missed that sent me one.  Having them hand written versus writing a letter, the list goes on and on.  I have decided to turn this stress off this year.

Due to our December schedule with relocating I don’t think I will be sending out Christmas cards this year.

Greg and I get to spend a lot of time together due to the schedule we have been able to create for our lives and our family, but we get to have most of this time because our children are in public school and they are all out the door by 7:30am to leave for zero period or catch their buses.  Over Christmas one of our sons will be at his dad’s house, but our other three children will be with us and not in school, this creates a lack of  intimate privacy for us for two whole weeks!  We try to make the best of this time by spending time with our children that we don’t normally get to spend with them.  We will be grateful they are home to help with the relocation of our business, more hands makes less work.  Greg and I have placed our bedroom in the basement of our home for a multitude of reasons, one being that we can create intimate alone time in our home by closing the basement door.  I try to look at the holiday break with a positive attitude instead of a negative one to help myself cope with all the time off from school and extra care they need.  I know a lot of people struggle with daycare issues during this time and it can really create a stressful situation, to those I say “prayer and patience” – God can smooth your path.

Our four children all know what it means when the basement door is closed, do not disturb!

Making sure we are not overcommitted, not spending too much money, protecting each other from family conflict and providing fun for our kids during their time off from school can seem like a full time job during this season, but it is always well worth it.  It is more of a mind set and if we work together it usually seems to go pretty smoothly.  Maintaining our together time is essential and keeping our intimacy intact keeps us together instead of at each other.  You can overcome anything with your spouse if you are together on it, be proactive about not letting the holidays separate you.  Sex is the glue that keeps us together and in marriage it is very important to have great sex to keep you connected.

Sex is the best way to beat stress and connect with your spouse, my cure for holiday stress, Sex!

#6 Kissing

This summer we are revisiting out top 10 posts, # 6 Kissing

was originally posted February 2, 2014

I am feeling really inspired by the 10 day challenge (day 7) over at onefleshmarriage.com

http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2014/02/10-day-challenge-day-7-2014.html

So, I am going to blog about everything most men know about great kissing…

(Insert an uncomfortably long audio sample of the sound of crickets)

I grew up a non believer. One of the “fringe benefits” of my ignorance was that I was quite promiscuous when it came to kissing, I couldn’t count the girls I had “made out” with in high school, and now I am very ashamed of that past. What it leaves me with is a ton of confusion.  I think I’m a great kisser and my wife might say otherwise.  I know for certain that by body language and reactions of the girls of my past, that I was a decent kisser with the majority of them.

Recently my wife has let me know that we don’t kiss well together, our styles don’t mesh well together.

We agree that it is something we both want to put effort into getting to a place where it becomes a mutually fulfilling intimate activity in our relationship.  I relate to this by knowing that for me a day without sex with my wife makes me miserable.  So, it hurts me deeply to know that our “kissing” styles conflict enough that I leave her unfulfilled in that aspect of our relationship.  At first when I contemplated it, I felt as if we were dancing and she’s trying to lead while I am trying to lead.

Do “I” need to lead? … No, I’ll let her lead?

So, we tried a little kissing.  At first she let me know I was moving too fast and should take my time.  So at a later date, I took my time and it felt like I wasn’t responding and was moving a little too slow and not doing anything, as I was deliberately hesitating to not rush her.  Then, at a later date, I took the lead back and I tried to move faster and I was moving too fast!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhggg!!!

Last week we were shopping and we had the strangest fight, it was short, but man was I frustrated!  She said “thank you for helping me shop, you’re a big help and I really appreciate you” and then after some other brief dialogue between she said “you really slow me down when we shop, you become withdrawn and seem upset,” and then I was!

I thought really hard about the “facts” from my perspective…

I suggested to her that I withdraw to avoid talking too much while she is trying to concentrate, my wife is a couponer and she takes her shopping pretty seriously, so while I am with her I try to stick to her plan and be a vigilant helper.  I told her that if she was doing something I like for me, like sex, I would be upset if she were not connected and involved with me during that time.  In other words, if she started rattling off a shopping list in the middle of lovemaking it would diminish the moment.  I also told her that she walks behind me when I am pushing the cart and tries to lead me from behind.  I can’t read her mind so I just perpetually slow down until she lets me know where to go.

(Insert a dramatic record needle scratching to a halt sample)

Wait a second! Did God just smash me in the face? I just said I’m being led from behind! Is my promiscuous kissing past dictating how to pleasure my wife? Am I trying to force my past pleasures with others into OUR intimacy? Is SHE trying to force her past pleasures with others into OUR intimacy? Is GOD perpetually slowing us down until we know where we are to be pushing OUR cart?

I now know what was happening is that she was super grateful for the act but that my attitude made her miserable while she experienced my “giving.”  Once I understood that, I thought it would be like being pleasured by my wife while she seemed preoccupied, or even worse, angry and or crying.  Gosh I’d probably be pretty hurt by her lack of attention.  What I discovered was that we need to be engaged with each other and not mentally disconnect when being intimate. Even if its grocery shopping 🙂

Now I need to bring this back to the kissing…

I just can’t seem to “not” lead my wife! God did not build me that way.  So how can I lead in a way that pleases her and fulfills her needs? Whether that be shopping or kissing.  When it comes to sex, ladies can find a wealth of free information through free blogs or magazines. There are tons of both Christian and secular advice about how to fulfill your mans sexual needs. And likewise!

When I look for kissing advice all I can find is if he doesn’t make you tingle… NEXT!

I think this is really bad!  Yes it is true sex is the goal in my male brain for kissing, but I’m willing to kiss for hours to get there! Is that bad? I like kissing too!  So I beg you ladies out there to assist me to begin compiling a wealth of information about how a man can kiss his wife in a way that makes her want to have sex!  It seems to me that is how God designed it to work…

So go ahead, give me your play by play of kissing 101

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