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#1 Firm Foundation

This summer we are revisiting our top 10 posts, #1 Firm Foundation

was originally posted March 18, 2014

I’ll be turning 40 this month so I’m currently reading “the bead method” by Carolyn Evans and Mark Gungor. This book was a gift from my wife that comes with a fancy set of beads and a bowl that I will receive as a gift on my actual birthday… She thought it might be wise for me to attempt reading the book before my actual birthday so we don’t get a late start on the game nor have any confusion on how to play…

God is always drawing attention to subjects that I am certain that he is training us to be influential on at possibly a later date…

God has definitely called myself and Lisa to eventually be quite instrumental as a couple for other couples concerning their sexual tug of wars… so he of course lets us train via experiences both good and bad… good thing we both have the theme song from “the facts of life” crammed in our heads from growing up 80s LOL

I want to share a bit out of Mark Gungor’s introduction that he wrote in this wonderful book.

Marriage, at its most basic foundation, is a sexual contract. Think about it. When a couple stands at the altar and says, “I do,” what they are essentially saying is “I’LL DO you, you’ll DO me, and we won’t DO anybody else!” While marriage has many other wonderful, challenging and fascinating aspects, it is first and foremost a sexual agreement.

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” – Genesis 2:24

Oh I know, I know, there is more to marriage than just sex… just as a house is much more than its concrete foundation. Indeed, the house may have many beautiful rooms that contain countless valuable treasures of far more interest and allure than the foundation. But remove the foundation and that house will come crashing down – no matter how beautiful the rooms or valuable the contents inside.

Yes there is more to marriage than sex. There is love: but you don’t need a marriage license to love someone. There is commitment; but you don’t need a marriage license to be committed to someone. There are financial considerations; but you can totally support someone financially for the rest of their life without the need of a marriage license. There is also friendship: but you can be the best friend in the world to someone without marrying him or her. There are even spiritual considerations and perspectives like serving God together; but you don’t need a marriage license to do that either. Only when it comes to sex does God require the covenant of marriage.

Of course Mark continues but I don’t want to spoil it! You are going to really want this product:

My point and reason for quoting the portion I did was to get you to contemplate what I have been contemplating for days…

And that is that from God’s point of view… sex is pretty darn important. It’s crucial. No matter your limitations it’s imperative to strive to find a way to fulfill your spouse sexually. You may have debilitating circumstances, or circumstances that limit your participation… regardless it’s still biblical to seek to satisfy your spouse sexually. So don’t be a great Christian and fall short of something God is so clear about. Like it or not, your marriage is your first ministry. Discord in your marriage renders you severely diminished for God’s use. My wife and I have quite a variety of types of sex. I want very badly to satisfy my wife in all ways, especially sexually. God gives each and every spouse in the world a set of circumstances in this aspect of our marriages to overcome. When you accomplish that, there will be a new set… My wife is so worth overcoming that circumstance. And I know that I mean that much to her as well. As I read Marks words I ask myself what does this have to do with our marriage. Well, Lisa and I are quite committed to working towards a great mutually successful satisfying sex life. So I am mentally turning over stones and reverse engineering what Mark had to say… since Lisa and agree to an amazing foundation… you can’t live on a foundation alone… (There is no shelter) Now don’t get me wrong “I” am all about what Mark was saying… if I had my druthers we’d just build a house out of foundations… but then my wife would not be able to enjoy me as a spiritual covering which is a necessity for her to be lead to sexual satisfaction whether I like it or not.

I need to be certain to also focus on “beautiful rooms that contain countless valuable treasures” so that what can enjoy the wonderful home that is our marriage as suggested by Mark’s metaphor.

Remember this bible verse as read from the message bible and study its context and how it applies in our current Christian lives:

1 Corinthians 7:3-6

3 The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality – the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. 4 Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 5 Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting – but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. 6 I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence – only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.

#2 Sex And Touch In Marriage

This summer we are revisiting out top 10 posts, #2 Sex And Touch In Marriage

was originally posted December 10, 2013

Lisa’s thoughts on sex and touch in marriage…

Many books and theories boast that non-sexual touch is necessary for a woman to be able to grow intimately with her husband.  I feel that this concept confuses many men and they just give up due to not being able to grasp the concept of non-sexual touch.  Non-sexual touch leads to intimacy which leads to sex, so it is a necessary part of a marriage for a woman that contributes to her being sexually intimate with her husband.

Let’s take a look at non-sexual touch in ways that maybe both men and women could understand it so that it could work together for the both of them.

Typically, men do not understand non-sexual touch because most facets of their lives is sexual, they are sexual beings.  For them, the thought of sex enters their minds on average of once a minute in some way, so they cannot escape it.  Instead of looking at it as a problem and that something is wrong with them, we should see it as their make up, part of their system.  It is the same as our love need to nurture, it is inherent and just a part of us.  If we can separate why we don’t like it and why we think it is wrong and just learn to accept it for what it is and work our marriages to utilize it we would all be much more pleased with our marriages.

Men usually cannot touch their wives without thinking about it sexually, they love us and they want to show us how much through sex, it just is what it is and how God made them.

Sex is a binding agent in marriages and God made men so that they would always be chasing it and wanting to bond with their mate to keep intimacy strong in a marriage.  Because of this, it makes sense to me that some people cheat if they are not getting their needs met, we are made to mate and bond and if we are not bonding with our spouse, we are likely to try to find someone else to bond with.

Just so all the men can know right now and figure it out easily, non-sexual touch means any touching that doesn’t lead to sex, it is all of the touching that you do throughout the day to get to the sex.  Let’s just call it touching, we all touch each other and sometimes sex is a product of it and sometimes it isn’t, it is just leading up to it later, but it all eventually adds up to enough touching to want to have sex.  So touching is important in marriage to build intimacy.

Non-sexual touch for a woman is a whole different ballgame and they want specific forms of it. 

Just like we all like different foods, sports or clothes, different wives like and need different forms of touching.  Some wives like to hold hand with their husbands, some in public, some only in private.  Some husbands like to have their backs rubbed by their wives while sitting at the movies.  No matter what your favorite forms of touch are, what is important is that your spouse knows you like and need them and that you know what forms your spouse needs and then that you both provide them for each other.

Where has all the kissing gone?

Let’s go back to the start of your relationship to figure out what forms of touch connected you in the first place.  When you were first dating there were ways your spouse touched you that built intimacy and formed a bond that brought you together and eventually ended up in a sexual relationship.  These were the brushing of hands that lead to hand holding and hugging, them kissing, etc.  These are still an essential part of marriage that lead into these things.  Many married couples experience a decrease in kissing just for the sake of kissing.  Eventually in some marriages kissing is only present during love making, this is in part due to touching decreasing and small physical tokens of love coming to a halt or being taken for granted.

Kissing is a big part of what physically drives a woman to want to have sex.

If you kiss your wife for 5 minutes she is likely to get excited and want to have a mutually fulfilling sexual experience with her husband.  So-called “foreplay” is a vital part of what makes the sexual experience rewarding for a woman and there are sometimes multiple complicated steps to get there, but it is well worth the work if a man wants his sexual desires met in a way that fulfill him and meet his need for an intimate connection.  The goal here is for a husband to learn what his wife desires in non-sexual touch.

Touching is about intimacy and it is a way to build it, it is a secret unspoken language between spouses.

When a man touches a woman he has an end goal of sex, it is normal and natural, and is how he shares intimacy with his wife.  When a woman gets touched by her husband she perceives it as loving, a caress or a playful gesture that works towards an end goal, but for the present time makes her feel good and thought about, treasured and protected.  When a wife touches a husband she in conveying her love for him and may be flirting in a way that says I am attracted to you.  A husband usually has a sexual thought when his wife touches him because he had a need to be touched and share sexual intimacy with his wife.  Neither spouse in incorrect or has a skewed vision of what they need, it is just different from their spouse.

When looking at the importance of touch in a marriage it is vital to accept the others need for what it is and fulfill it, stop wasting time being offended or critical and get on to the love making stage, it is way  more fun anyway!

#3 Foreplay

This summer we are revisiting our top 10 posts, #3 Foreplay

was originally posted April 14, 2014

This weekend in our small group we talked about foreplay and it has had me thinking about the importance of foreplay in a marriage.

While discussing foreplay at group it became quite apparent that men and women view foreplay and its role in marriage very differently.  My husband made an analogy that makes great sense.  He said that men view foreplay as the ride or attraction at Disney Land while women view foreplay as all of the stops on the way to Disney Land.  In other words, men see foreplay as a part of sex and women see it as all of the things that lead up to having sex.  While discussing this in group I realized that my husband and I have very different views on foreplay and that we should talk about it.

Do you and your spouse ever talk about foreplay?

We have had some discussions about foreplay since that meeting and we are discovering that it is beneficial to talk about it.  Talking about it has openly helped us to discover what needs we can be meeting for each other and it can help us to get the best out of our marriage and our sex life.  Sometimes it can be a little scary to be vulnerable and talk about these things with your spouse, but the bible says in James 4:2 “you have not because you ask not.”  As I age, I find it easier and easier to let my husband know the things I like, want, and need from him.  He is all too happy to find out how he can increase intimacy in our marriage.  For more on talking about sex with your partner, see our article Putting the “S” in Sex. 

Do you and your spouse touch each other throughout the day?

For most women, foreplay goes on throughout the whole day, not just ten minutes before sex is about to happen.  Little caresses throughout the day or a shoulder rub can go along way to communicate foreplay to a wife.  These little acts of affection can also have the same effect on men, who usually have the love language of “Physical Touch”, see the five love languages test online at  Kissing throughout the day or a brush of the hand are all parts of heading towards sex for most women and it is helpful for husbands to learn the ways their wives like to be affectionate throughout the day.  For more on this subject, see our article Sex and Touch in Marriage.

Did you have any idea that doing the dishes can be foreplay for your wife?

Another point that seemed unanimous among the women in our group was that a husband doing the dishes or some other chore, like taking out the garbage, was viewed as foreplay.  Through discussion it became evident that men performing acts of service was sexy to their wives for a multitude of reasons.  It showed that they cared about their wives, that they were willing to help around the house to make time to spend together, and that the feeling of relief about chores being done and not having to do them all alone created a feeling of wanting to reward a husband with closeness.  Most men don’t like to do chores, so rewarding them intimately is a great way to ensure that they get the message and are likely to do them again.  For more on this subject, see our article A Clean Kitchen Begins in the Bedroom.

Did you know that privacy is key to creating intimacy for your wife?

One more nugget that came out of our conversation was that privacy and having enough time to be intimate were vitally important for women to feel they could put their hair down and rock their husband’s worlds!  Nothing kills the mood more than a child knocking on the bedroom door, and the women in group all agreed that it is important to be proactive about making sure you will have privacy during intimacy.  Coming up with a plan together before hand is a great way to ensure privacy and a better intimate experience.  It also seemed very important that there be enough “relaxed” time for a woman the have a good time.  Being on a schedule or in a hurry does not lend itself to a woman being able to relax and really connect with her husband during sex.  Taking a little time ahead to plan can go a long way to ensuring you have mutually fulfilling sex.  For more on this subject, see our article Intimacy, Undivided Attention, and the Golden Rule.

The most important thing to creating great foreplay is communication.  Openly discussing these topics in your marriage can improve your sex life, letting your spouse know your needs it vital to you enjoying your time with them.  Also, openly discussing and assuming that you are both correct in your individual perspectives will get the two of you a long way together with much gain by benefiting from not only your own perspective but also your lover’s!

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