As Lisa mentioned in her last blog, we have been reading this great book called Communication: Key to Your Marriage: A Practical Guide to Creating A Happy, Fulfilling Relationship
We were amazed at the barriers this book broke down!
A theme I get out of this book often is: don’t try changing your spouse, accept them and put the way God designed them to good use “together” is what I believe we’ve clearly learned.
Now all week I knew I was going to write a blog responding to her blog from last week and no kidding right before she walked out to go grab some groceries as I was to get to this blog we had an awkward little exchange where she seemed to evade my giving her a hug goodbye not once, but twice.
I kept trying to draw her out because I could tell something was wrong.
I feel like this story may have actually begun roughly two nights ago when we had an unexpected blowout! It had been longer than my personal comfort “time frame” since our last sexual encounter (Don’t misunderstand and assume my wife is withholding, I am in fact very blessed) I asked if we could have sex and she said “I just told you for the last 30 minutes how tired I was and you’re actually asking me that?”
Then, my hurt feelings engaged my mouth faster than logic could kick in as I responded “Well, I have been telling you how horny I am the last two days and…”
And wow!!! It was on! (That’s right folks! Not even being marriage coaches can prevent this kind of stuff LOL) Please take note that what I am about to say is in frustration about the communication process differences I am learning about, and to set you up as I tell the story, and it is not directed at my wife as any form of a personal attack. Continuing: the clearest conclusion I got from the discussion was that if I allude out loud about sex as often as I currently do, there won’t be any.
Now remember a few lines back when I said: I kept trying to draw her out because I could tell something was wrong, I knew what was wrong; at least I thought I did.
I had shared my true wishes for the day by attempting to be flirtatious, I let her know that I “wish” that there was time for sex and a nap today instead of work. I’m pretty sure that I irritated her. Now coming back to the hug, I came up very close to her as she prepared to go shopping. I was thinking ok I’m not to ask for sex and a hug is intimate therefore I assume I should not ask for a hug.
She turned and went to the bathroom. She returned to grab her purse. I once again approached her and she grabbed it and turned to head out the door (of course tension had to be brewing with a child in need of reassurance at the very same time) after I exclaimed, Lisa what is wrong? I was trying to hug you twice before you left! She came back and said that I shouldn’t play games I just need to tell her that I want to hug her when she doesn’t notice, as she is not a mind reader.
Inside my brain I kind of threw my hands in the air!
I have so many rules of engagement to follow in my brain with my wife to meet the needs of her communication style. It seems they almost always conflict! I will take what she has asked and apply it but it doesn’t always apply.
This book we keep mentioning has allowed me to apply logic to my wife’s thoughts, specifically via the Meyers Briggs MBTI personality test
The concept is loosely broken down in the Communication: Key To Your Marriage: A Practical Guide To Creating A Happy, Fulfilling Relationship Book. Understanding how to see how she thinks can make sense of a lot about her! And it has actually a facet of affection coming from me to her that I didn’t realize existed!
I am actually finding myself very attracted to my wife in new ways!
Put it this way, for ages women have “puzzled” men. Do you like Rubik’s cubes? I do not! I only like puzzles where I can refer to the answer. I’m not one for mystery. I like to know the plot of movies rather than figuring it out and having to wait to see if I was correct or no. If Lisa and I are watching a movie I might turn and whisper “Is that guy going to die?” and she smiles and whispers “just watch”.
Watching movies or shows that way makes me crazy! I need to settle into my emotions to be best entertained. I am not a fan of suspenseful plots!
When I view my wife as a mystery or a puzzle that I do not enjoy solving like a Rubik’s cube, I will become frustrated because I am still committed to her and very much dislike when our differences in how God made us end up bringing about chaos! After learning so much from the communication book and so much about her during the breakdown of the MBTI.
She has a brand new luster to her already fantastic presence in my life!
I have to tell you also… I have noticed an immediate and extreme difference in her acceptance of me and how I function day to day. She treats me better after reading this book and understanding me differently and that feels great! I hope she notices a difference in me too 🙂
I am excited to read this book more than once and also to dig deeper into the MBTI to help Lisa and I better understand one another! And have better communication, which I know bears better sex and just a closer relationship all together!
UPDATE: We just got on a good note with each other over a text conversation as I was writing this!
Anyway, I am very grateful for this book!
Now, tell me about some “wins” you and your spouse have experienced in “how” to communicate? What is something that has improved for the two of you?