Attention,  Communication,  Instinct,  kissing,  Mutuality,  Needs,  New Loveseat,  Sex

Kissing

I am feeling really inspired by the 10 day challenge (day 7) over at onefleshmarriage.com

10 Day Challenge – Day 7

So, I am going to blog about everything most men know about great kissing…

 

(Insert an uncomfortably long audio sample of the sound of crickets)

 

I grew up a non believer. One of the “fringe benefits” of my ignorance was that I was quite promiscuous when it came to kissing, I couldn’t count the girls I had “made out” with in high school, and now I am very ashamed of that past. What it leaves me with is a ton of confusion.  I think I’m a great kisser and my wife might say otherwise.  I know for certain that by body language and reactions of the girls of my past, that I was a decent kisser with the majority of them.

Recently my wife has let me know that we don’t kiss well together, our styles don’t mesh well together.

We agree that it is something we both want to put effort into getting to a place where it becomes a mutually fulfilling intimate activity in our relationship.  I relate to this by knowing that for me a day without sex with my wife makes me miserable.  So, it hurts me deeply to know that our “kissing” styles conflict enough that I leave her unfulfilled in that aspect of our relationship.  At first when I contemplated it, I felt as if we were dancing and she’s trying to lead while I am trying to lead.

Do “I” need to lead? … No, I’ll let her lead?

So, we tried a little kissing.  At first she let me know I was moving too fast and should take my time.  So at a later date, I took my time and it felt like I wasn’t responding and was moving a little too slow and not doing anything, as I was deliberately hesitating to not rush her.  Then, at a later date, I took the lead back and I tried to move faster and I was moving too fast!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhggg!!!

Last week we were shopping and we had the strangest fight, it was short, but man was I frustrated!  She said “thank you for helping me shop, you’re a big help and I really appreciate you” and then after some other brief dialogue between she said “you really slow me down when we shop, you become withdrawn and seem upset,” and then I was!

I thought really hard about the “facts” from my perspective…

I suggested to her that I withdraw to avoid talking too much while she is trying to concentrate, my wife is a couponer and she takes her shopping pretty seriously, so while I am with her I try to stick to her plan and be a vigilant helper.  I told her that if she was doing something I like for me, like sex, I would be upset if she were not connected and involved with me during that time.  In other words, if she started rattling off a shopping list in the middle of lovemaking it would diminish the moment.  I also told her that she walks behind me when I am pushing the cart and tries to lead me from behind.  I can’t read her mind so I just perpetually slow down until she lets me know where to go.

(Insert a dramatic record needle scratching to a halt sample)

Wait a second! Did God just smash me in the face? I just said I’m being led from behind! Is my promiscuous kissing past dictating how to pleasure my wife? Am I trying to force my past pleasures with others into OUR intimacy? Is SHE trying to force her past pleasures with others into OUR intimacy? Is GOD perpetually slowing us down until we know where we are to be pushing OUR cart?

I now know what was happening is that she was super grateful for the act but that my attitude made her miserable while she experienced my “giving.”  Once I understood that, I thought it would be like being pleasured by my wife while she seemed preoccupied, or even worse, angry and or crying.  Gosh I’d probably be pretty hurt by her lack of attention.  What I discovered was that we need to be engaged with each other and not mentally disconnect when being intimate. Even if its grocery shopping 🙂

Now I need to bring this back to the kissing…

I just can’t seem to “not” lead my wife! God did not build me that way.  So how can I lead in a way that pleases her and fulfills her needs? Whether that be shopping or kissing.  When it comes to sex, ladies can find a wealth of free information through free blogs or magazines. There are tons of both Christian and secular advice about how to fulfill your mans sexual needs. And likewise!

When I look for kissing advice all I can find is if he doesn’t make you tingle… NEXT!

I think this is really bad!  Yes it is true sex is the goal in my male brain for kissing, but I’m willing to kiss for hours to get there! Is that bad? I like kissing too!  So I beg you ladies out there to assist me to begin compiling a wealth of information about how a man can kiss his wife in a way that makes her want to have sex!  It seems to me that is how God designed it to work…

So go ahead, give me your play by play of kissing 101

5 Comments

  • Kate

    This is such a good topic to bring up and talk about. To me it is clear that kissing is something special God has given the marriage relationship. Yet, I think the main thing for many women is that they don’t always want kissing to lead to sex. I think that kissing is one of those special things between a husband and a wife that they can enjoy throughout the day/all day. I want to enjoy kissing with my hubby all day, sneaking kisses here and there, having our kids see that affection between us. Obviously the kisses don’t get super heated unless there is the opportunity to lead to other things.

    I truly think that wives will kiss freely and enjoy kissing, when there is not pressure “always” to get to sex. For many years I didn’t enjoy kissing freely because I always thought my hubby was trying to push for other things. That was partly my issue to work through and yet partly his! Many times kissing is a part of sex, but that doesn’t mean we have to always have sex after kissing. That is just my perspective and where we have come in our marriage.

    Having a talk about expectations in kissing, is such a good thing for couples! I love having an amazing kiss when my hubby gets home from work, or is leaving to go somewhere. We have both talked about how far we can go, before it is an issue. Enjoying kissing and making out is a blessing in marriage. Kissing should have a place in and outside of sex. And couples should talk about how that looks for each of them! It is different for each couple!

    Thanks for starting this conversation!

  • J (Anonymous) (@HotHolyHumorous)

    I agree with Kate that if kissing is an option just for its own sake, it builds that connection that makes a wife more likely to engage in sex when the offer arises. So my suggestion for husbands would be to kiss often without immediately expecting sex afterward and vary to those kisses — from quick pecks to soft closed-lip kisses to really passionate smooching. Consider even “making out” — just to make out. And we ladies are pretty good at knowing whether he’s just using kissing as a tool to get to the next step or whether he’s really focused on the kissing itself.

    But freely-given affection creates an atmosphere in marriage that makes it far more likely for sexual initiation and positive reception to occur. So if my husband pecked me goodbye this morning, gave me a passionate kiss when he got home, hugged me as a thank you for making dinner, held my hand as we watched TV, caught me from behind as I was cleaning the kitchen to kiss my neck, etc….then when we reach the bedroom that night, I’m feeling cherished and connected and good-to-go. Hey, I might not even wait for him to make the first move!

    I think it’s actually harder once you’re married to concentrate on kissing, because you know you get move on past that. You get to do the “good stuff”…but kissing is good stuff too, which we should take more time to engage in and enjoy.

  • sheilagregoire

    I’m exactly like J! I think there are tons of different “types” of kisses–the pecks when you leave, the affection in front of the kids, the passionate kiss at night.

    A few things I’ve never liked that much: tons of saliva. Maybe I’m alone in that, but I don’t like feeling a ton of liquid!

  • tom&ileen4658

    In my humble opinion, kissing is a tactile language, and I’ve used it like that. There is the “boy that was a great dinner you made, Honey –boing” or after watching a rerun of “Pretty Women” – This movie really feels good, right Honey? –boing”. ” compiled that data you were concerned about out for the accountant; forget the little gold star; I just want a great big –boing! –yeah that! And I never finish the day off, whether there is sex ahead or not, without sealing it with a kiss –boing! When it comes to sex, I’m busy kissing EVERYTHING! I know that isn’t full coverage on the subject, but it is the aspect I understand.

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