In Dr. Harley’s book “His Needs, Her Needs” he defines intimate conversation as talking about feelings, topics of interest/opinions, and plans. Now I could not help but notice how deliberately he used the word intimate. To me, the word intimate describes an interaction between two people, when I think of physical intimacy…I think of sex.
Intimacy is very important when having good sex.
Now for the ladies, Dr. Harley states that men need to give their wives at least 15 hours per week of undivided attention. I can only assume that to give her this time and to begin being intimate, I would have to share about my feelings, topics of interest/opinions, and future plans.
So I ask the ladies how would you feel if your husband was in and out of the room during the sexual gift you give? Or invited the children to be present or nearby? It would definitely remove the intimacy for you and I can only assume that you would withdraw from intimacy if not the activity all together. To make my point, assuming it was even acceptable to continue under such circumstances, intimacy would come to a screeching halt even if the act of sex continued.
So how would you feel if you had decided you wanted and needed to fulfill your husband’s sexual needs right now… the timing is appropriate, the climate is set to be into it, and then he invites the kids to be close by and keeps popping in and out of the room being busy with his mind on something else, all while multi tasking making love to you?
The interruptions would have just left you both feeling pent up, frustrated, and resentful… to not just each other, but everyone who contributed whether they knew it or not.
Every time I pull up behind a car with personalized plates I can’t help but to give it my undivided attention. I can and will understand what it is saying! I will be certain that I know what it is trying to say to me! I don’t merely take a peek, I decide I know what its saying whether I’m even in the ballpark or not, I strive to solve the puzzle and understand it.
Why as a spouse do we assume, before sentences are complete, that we know what our spouse means by what they are beginning to say? You pat yourself on the back for “figuring it out” and then check your spouse right into the penalty box for being such an idiot and that causes you both to walk away feeling resentment. Why can’t’ we focus on our spouses face and be 110% determined to truly understand what our spouse is trying to intimately share with us…instead we put on offense and jump to erroneous conclusions, and interrupt them with our own thoughts, feelings and responses based on wrong assumptions.
Do you ever play video games and give incredible amounts of undivided attention almost desperate to understand and solve the puzzles?
Have you ever been playing a video game, reading something on the computer, or texting a friend, or playing angry birds on your i-pod and not realized your spouse was even talking to you? Have you ever been focused on your spouses face, listening intently giving them your undivided attention and not realized your spouse was even talking to you?
Then consider what your spouse means to you, your vows, your biblical understanding, and the golden rule…
Why on earth would you not give them the same level of raw determination?
To truly understand before coming to any erroneous conclusions?
Now remember the “golden rule”
“Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God’s Law and Prophets and this is what you get.” – Matthew 7:12 from the message bible