New Loveseat

Icing on the Cake?

In our small group, someone recently shared that their mother taught them that sex is the icing on the cake of marriage.  In disagreement, I turned to Google and found these two related posts:

After reading these, I passionately thought “sex” is not the “icing”, sex is the oven that warms all the wonderful marital ingredients to bake the cake!  Bring the heat!

When we all said “I do” that was a promise to bring the heat and meet each others needs.  We occasionally get stuck in a place where we decide to meet our own needs and let our spouses suffer.  When we choose to meet our own needs we take away the privilege of our spouse to show us love, and in doing this, we start a negative cycle.  When you meet your spouses need they will turn around and want to meet yours, this is biblical.

It is never fair to claim your need is to not meet your spouses need, no one ever has a need to not have sex, they just don’t want to.  The bible says we are to serve one another, it doesn’t say anything in favor of neglecting one another.  Our sexual relationship is the reason we have a marriage covenant.

I can’t spread the news of this excerpt from the book “the bead method” enough:

Marriage, at its most basic foundation, is a sexual contract. Think about it. When a couple stands at the altar and says, “I do,” what they are essentially saying is “I’LL DO you, you’ll DO me, and we won’t DO anybody else!” While marriage has many other wonderful, challenging and fascinating aspects, it is first and foremost a sexual agreement.

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” – Genesis 2:24

Oh I know, I know, there is more to marriage than just sex… just as a house is much more than its concrete foundation. Indeed, the house may have many beautiful rooms that contain countless valuable treasures of far more interest and allure than the foundation. But remove the foundation and that house will come crashing down – no matter how beautiful the rooms or valuable the contents inside.

Yes there is more to marriage than sex. There is love: but you don’t need a marriage license to love someone. There is commitment; but you don’t need a marriage license to be committed to someone. There are financial considerations; but you can totally support someone financially for the rest of their life without the need of a marriage license. There is also friendship: but you can be the best friend in the world to someone without marrying him or her. There are even spiritual considerations and perspectives like serving God together; but you don’t need a marriage license to do that either. Only when it comes to sex does God require the covenant of marriage.

I find it confusing when I hear a spouse express wanting a marriage without sex, especially when it’s a husband!

No person should have to live their life without having their needs met by the one person who promised to do so.  We would likely all try to comfort somebody whose spouse isn’t meeting their need for quality time, why do we all get up in arms when that need is “sexual”?

One partner will almost always have “sex” as a top “need”.  Be a promise keeper not a gatekeeper.


  • Hoopeless

    Although you will disagree, believing that sex is icing on the cake helps me to cope with a sex starved marriage. When I pleased my spouse enough times, then sex will happen. Not healthy, I know but it helps me forget about the lack of sex in our marriage bed.

    • Greg & Lisa

      Hoopless, I am very sorry that this is where you currently reside in your marriage 🙁 and yes I do disagree not for the sake of coming against you. On your behalf and having only heard your feelings not your spouses “take” I feel angry for you. If sex is a reward for good behavior or tasks completed it is earned, not given freely. There is a fee you’ve paid, kind of like prostitution. God does not want us to go without this gift that He created for oneness and not for someone’s leverage or to surplus it for a rainy day. I am very glad that you have found a way to view it in a sense to cope and that it is helping. Lisa and I will be praying for you, your spouse, and your marriage for healing to occur. I pray that God will reconcile your sexual relationship as He definitely does not intend for sex to be icing nor currency! Thank you for sharing! We really appreciate the honor of hearing from you! – Greg

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