Category: Sex (page 1 of 2)

Kissing

I am feeling really inspired by the 10 day challenge (day 7) over at onefleshmarriage.com

http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2014/02/10-day-challenge-day-7-2014.html

So, I am going to blog about everything most men know about great kissing…

 

(Insert an uncomfortably long audio sample of the sound of crickets)

 

I grew up a non believer. One of the “fringe benefits” of my ignorance was that I was quite promiscuous when it came to kissing, I couldn’t count the girls I had “made out” with in high school, and now I am very ashamed of that past. What it leaves me with is a ton of confusion.  I think I’m a great kisser and my wife might say otherwise.  I know for certain that by body language and reactions of the girls of my past, that I was a decent kisser with the majority of them.

Recently my wife has let me know that we don’t kiss well together, our styles don’t mesh well together.

We agree that it is something we both want to put effort into getting to a place where it becomes a mutually fulfilling intimate activity in our relationship.  I relate to this by knowing that for me a day without sex with my wife makes me miserable.  So, it hurts me deeply to know that our “kissing” styles conflict enough that I leave her unfulfilled in that aspect of our relationship.  At first when I contemplated it, I felt as if we were dancing and she’s trying to lead while I am trying to lead.

Do “I” need to lead? … No, I’ll let her lead?

So, we tried a little kissing.  At first she let me know I was moving too fast and should take my time.  So at a later date, I took my time and it felt like I wasn’t responding and was moving a little too slow and not doing anything, as I was deliberately hesitating to not rush her.  Then, at a later date, I took the lead back and I tried to move faster and I was moving too fast!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhggg!!!

Last week we were shopping and we had the strangest fight, it was short, but man was I frustrated!  She said “thank you for helping me shop, you’re a big help and I really appreciate you” and then after some other brief dialogue between she said “you really slow me down when we shop, you become withdrawn and seem upset,” and then I was!

I thought really hard about the “facts” from my perspective…

I suggested to her that I withdraw to avoid talking too much while she is trying to concentrate, my wife is a couponer and she takes her shopping pretty seriously, so while I am with her I try to stick to her plan and be a vigilant helper.  I told her that if she was doing something I like for me, like sex, I would be upset if she were not connected and involved with me during that time.  In other words, if she started rattling off a shopping list in the middle of lovemaking it would diminish the moment.  I also told her that she walks behind me when I am pushing the cart and tries to lead me from behind.  I can’t read her mind so I just perpetually slow down until she lets me know where to go.

(Insert a dramatic record needle scratching to a halt sample)

Wait a second! Did God just smash me in the face? I just said I’m being led from behind! Is my promiscuous kissing past dictating how to pleasure my wife? Am I trying to force my past pleasures with others into OUR intimacy? Is SHE trying to force her past pleasures with others into OUR intimacy? Is GOD perpetually slowing us down until we know where we are to be pushing OUR cart?

I now know what was happening is that she was super grateful for the act but that my attitude made her miserable while she experienced my “giving.”  Once I understood that, I thought it would be like being pleasured by my wife while she seemed preoccupied, or even worse, angry and or crying.  Gosh I’d probably be pretty hurt by her lack of attention.  What I discovered was that we need to be engaged with each other and not mentally disconnect when being intimate. Even if its grocery shopping 🙂

Now I need to bring this back to the kissing…

I just can’t seem to “not” lead my wife! God did not build me that way.  So how can I lead in a way that pleases her and fulfills her needs? Whether that be shopping or kissing.  When it comes to sex, ladies can find a wealth of free information through free blogs or magazines. There are tons of both Christian and secular advice about how to fulfill your mans sexual needs. And likewise!

When I look for kissing advice all I can find is if he doesn’t make you tingle… NEXT!

I think this is really bad!  Yes it is true sex is the goal in my male brain for kissing, but I’m willing to kiss for hours to get there! Is that bad? I like kissing too!  So I beg you ladies out there to assist me to begin compiling a wealth of information about how a man can kiss his wife in a way that makes her want to have sex!  It seems to me that is how God designed it to work…

So go ahead, give me your play by play of kissing 101

PORN

I am not a smoker, I did try very hard to be one in my youth to “fit in” in high school for about 4 months, but I just couldn’t hack it.  I stopped quite easily because I did not “like” smoking, but to this day all my friends who are smokers try quitting again and again and again.  I know of a person from my past that recently started smoking again after having been a non smoker for nearly 15 years!

The reason I assume it’s so hard to quit smoking is that the motivation behind quitting is trumped by that fact that the smoker enjoys smoking.  It’s when the smoker stops “enjoying it” or that the harm it poses outweighs the enjoyment it provides that they are able to quit and be truly free of it.  My wife was a smoker for roughly 17 years of her life or so, she has mentioned the occasional spur of a craving from time to time.

OK, the reality: I “like” porn!

I know its bad for me. It affects my marriage. I know it’s bad, I choose not to pursue it anymore but it is a battle!  I was finally able to view the spiritual consequences to tip that scale. I always knew it was bad for me and my relationship, but it wasn’t until I could feel the spiritual consequences and see them manifesting into my marriage that I could stop returning to my sin.

I live my life on guard against the occasional spur of a craving from time to time…lets be honest, I am presented with temptation almost daily.

Recently in a coaching session I had the thought of asking a gentleman “what” he liked about it… I figured that if he was aware of that, he could redirect that attention to his wife and revive their sexual relationship. Also, if his wife was aware of what he was seeking by going outside of their relationship for fulfillment she may be able to come along side him in the battle to insure that she was meeting that need.

In turn I also answered the same question to him to be vulnerable and fair. To be sure he knew I wasn’t high and mighty as if “porn” didn’t affect me…

When I watch movies or read books, I tend to find myself in the perspective that I am living out what the characters are living out, so I confessed that for me the lure towards porn is the observation of seeing the female appearing affectionate, enthusiastic, eager, and passionate to serve her counter part in the “story”.

I was first lured to porn in hopes of feeling loved the way I would best feel loved.  I need my wife to be an affectionate, enthusiastic, eager, and passionate sex partner. And way more often than she is able or willing.

What a danger zone!!!

When your enjoyment of anything trumps its consequences, you will justify it until you are blue in the face.  Identifying “why” you enjoy it, so you can replace it with something positive, as well as identifying what makes it harmful is also a good course of action to make significant beneficial changes for you.

Ok so try to dig deep inside your heart and answer “why” you “like” porn.

Here are some issues porn can cause in your relationship…

#1 Porn invites comparison

#2 Porn encourages lies

#3 Porn lowers self-worth

#4 Porn robs us of intimacy

#5 Porn is adultery (but so are romance novels…just saying)

http://www.covenanteyes.com/2012/02/27/christian-marriage-advice-5-ways-porn-will-hurt-your-marriage/

I once had a friend describe to me in excruciating detail a porn clip he had watched.  He was so enthusiastic! So caught up in it! So excited! He got me worked up with his enthusiasm and I was a new Christian trying really hard to fight that temptation…

So I said to him with disgust…Dude! 

Think all the way back through that erotic moment for you and relish in the way you described the details and picture the woman you just told me about…now replace that woman’s face with that of your 2-year-old daughter.  He was appalled and told me how disgusting and horrible I was.

I responded “dude, when you watch that stuff just remember that those women are somebody’s mothers, aunts, wife, sisters, or daughters!  Would you watch your mothers, aunts, wife, sisters, or daughters do that stuff with such enthusiasm?  We have never touched the subject since.

Ironically like a secret smoker, I have been back to porn since I said those things to my friend, it is so shaming to keep returning.  As of now it’s been a while since I have viewed anything, but I am so careful because any time in my life I have started patting my self on the back for not being back to view porn is when I find myself in the middle of watching, wondering what just happened to me???

Now I feel it is appropriate to confess what is my biggest trigger to return is (do you feel like I am foreshadowing to prepare you for my wife’s blog next Tuesday? that is because I am!)  The feelings that make it most difficult to resist the lure are when I am hurt enough and there is enough of a disconnect with my wife that I am tempted to return to porn due to feeling bitter, resentful, and angry about being sexually rejected by my wife.  Or rejected by my wife for any reason honestly.

OK, sorry, I have to recap this for my own sanity…

Here is my potential crazy cycle.  I need my wife to be an affectionate, enthusiastic, eager, and passionate sex partner, and way more often than she is willing or able.  The feelings that make it most difficult to resist the lure are when I am hurt enough and there is enough of a disconnect with my wife that I am tempted to return to porn due to feeling bitter, resentful, and angry about being sexually rejected by my wife.  Or rejected by my wife for any reason honestly.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster that sometimes feels useless to fight!

What does a guy do about it?

For now, the only answer for me is to run not walk to God when tempted and find a way to be able to have openness and vulnerability in my marriage and be a huge encourager of keeping my wife as close to God as I can help her be!

Please share your thoughts and or experiences so that the rest of us may find some useful solace in your failures and successes…

Holiday Intimacy

Lisa on staying one through the holidays…

This time of the year can be a tough time to maintain oneness with my spouse.  There is far more running around to do, time spent with extended family is increased, finances are decreased and the children are home from school for many extra days.  Not to mention cold, snow and less daylight hours in our part of the country!

This year I am just learning to say thank you so much, but that is not going to work for our schedule.

The holidays are a time of year where we tend to over extend ourselves. Friends are having parties, family expects us at their house sometime during the holiday and extra time is spent on baking and gift preparation.  Greg and I are relocating our business over the Christmas break this year and we are focusing on provision for our family and a smooth transition for our students, taking this into consideration we have decided that we will not take on any extra tasks or outings in December.  We decided to put each other and our family first by not spreading ourselves too thin.  It is important to both of us to maintain our time of intimate growth, I don’t just mean sex, but that is usually a surefire way to de-stress and bond us to each other.

We love our friends and family and we know they will understand our decision during this transition.

The holidays can also be a time of conflict.  Some family conflicts never seem to go away and the wounds get rubbed back open when you spend time together.  There aren’t many big conflicts in our family, but there are a few things that get touchy.  Greg and I try to draw near to each other during the holidays, avoiding becoming enemies during this stressful time can be difficult, we have to be proactive.  We have had great talks about what hurts us and what we don’t appreciate and have tried to be shields and a comfort for each other if situations arise.  Helping each other keep a right heart during the holidays keeps us right with each other and ready to come to the aid of the other if necessary.

When all else fails, a happy spouse can facilitate your comfort at a family get together.  God loves a peacemaker!

When it comes to gift giving we try to keep it simple.  We are not the Rockefellers and we have four children so we try to maintain a reasonable budget during the holiday season.  I am not a “gifts” person(by the five love languages standard)so I don’t put as much pressure on myself as someone who may have a “gifts” need to get the perfect gift or gift wrapping for each person.  I have even been known to go the gift card route, people love them and they get to pick out what they want.  In the past Christmas cards have been a stressor for me.  Who should all get one?  Feeling guilty about the people I missed that sent me one.  Having them hand written versus writing a letter, the list goes on and on.  I have decided to turn this stress off this year.

Due to our December schedule with relocating I don’t think I will be sending out Christmas cards this year.

Greg and I get to spend a lot of time together due to the schedule we have been able to create for our lives and our family, but we get to have most of this time because our children are in public school and they are all out the door by 7:30am to leave for zero period or catch their buses.  Over Christmas one of our sons will be at his dad’s house, but our other three children will be with us and not in school, this creates a lack of  intimate privacy for us for two whole weeks!  We try to make the best of this time by spending time with our children that we don’t normally get to spend with them.  We will be grateful they are home to help with the relocation of our business, more hands makes less work.  Greg and I have placed our bedroom in the basement of our home for a multitude of reasons, one being that we can create intimate alone time in our home by closing the basement door.  I try to look at the holiday break with a positive attitude instead of a negative one to help myself cope with all the time off from school and extra care they need.  I know a lot of people struggle with daycare issues during this time and it can really create a stressful situation, to those I say “prayer and patience” – God can smooth your path.

Our four children all know what it means when the basement door is closed, do not disturb!

Making sure we are not overcommitted, not spending too much money, protecting each other from family conflict and providing fun for our kids during their time off from school can seem like a full time job during this season, but it is always well worth it.  It is more of a mind set and if we work together it usually seems to go pretty smoothly.  Maintaining our together time is essential and keeping our intimacy intact keeps us together instead of at each other.  You can overcome anything with your spouse if you are together on it, be proactive about not letting the holidays separate you.  Sex is the glue that keeps us together and in marriage it is very important to have great sex to keep you connected.

Sex is the best way to beat stress and connect with your spouse, my cure for holiday stress, Sex!

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