Category: Needs (page 1 of 3)


I am feeling really inspired by the 10 day challenge (day 7) over at

So, I am going to blog about everything most men know about great kissing…


(Insert an uncomfortably long audio sample of the sound of crickets)


I grew up a non believer. One of the “fringe benefits” of my ignorance was that I was quite promiscuous when it came to kissing, I couldn’t count the girls I had “made out” with in high school, and now I am very ashamed of that past. What it leaves me with is a ton of confusion.  I think I’m a great kisser and my wife might say otherwise.  I know for certain that by body language and reactions of the girls of my past, that I was a decent kisser with the majority of them.

Recently my wife has let me know that we don’t kiss well together, our styles don’t mesh well together.

We agree that it is something we both want to put effort into getting to a place where it becomes a mutually fulfilling intimate activity in our relationship.  I relate to this by knowing that for me a day without sex with my wife makes me miserable.  So, it hurts me deeply to know that our “kissing” styles conflict enough that I leave her unfulfilled in that aspect of our relationship.  At first when I contemplated it, I felt as if we were dancing and she’s trying to lead while I am trying to lead.

Do “I” need to lead? … No, I’ll let her lead?

So, we tried a little kissing.  At first she let me know I was moving too fast and should take my time.  So at a later date, I took my time and it felt like I wasn’t responding and was moving a little too slow and not doing anything, as I was deliberately hesitating to not rush her.  Then, at a later date, I took the lead back and I tried to move faster and I was moving too fast!


Last week we were shopping and we had the strangest fight, it was short, but man was I frustrated!  She said “thank you for helping me shop, you’re a big help and I really appreciate you” and then after some other brief dialogue between she said “you really slow me down when we shop, you become withdrawn and seem upset,” and then I was!

I thought really hard about the “facts” from my perspective…

I suggested to her that I withdraw to avoid talking too much while she is trying to concentrate, my wife is a couponer and she takes her shopping pretty seriously, so while I am with her I try to stick to her plan and be a vigilant helper.  I told her that if she was doing something I like for me, like sex, I would be upset if she were not connected and involved with me during that time.  In other words, if she started rattling off a shopping list in the middle of lovemaking it would diminish the moment.  I also told her that she walks behind me when I am pushing the cart and tries to lead me from behind.  I can’t read her mind so I just perpetually slow down until she lets me know where to go.

(Insert a dramatic record needle scratching to a halt sample)

Wait a second! Did God just smash me in the face? I just said I’m being led from behind! Is my promiscuous kissing past dictating how to pleasure my wife? Am I trying to force my past pleasures with others into OUR intimacy? Is SHE trying to force her past pleasures with others into OUR intimacy? Is GOD perpetually slowing us down until we know where we are to be pushing OUR cart?

I now know what was happening is that she was super grateful for the act but that my attitude made her miserable while she experienced my “giving.”  Once I understood that, I thought it would be like being pleasured by my wife while she seemed preoccupied, or even worse, angry and or crying.  Gosh I’d probably be pretty hurt by her lack of attention.  What I discovered was that we need to be engaged with each other and not mentally disconnect when being intimate. Even if its grocery shopping 🙂

Now I need to bring this back to the kissing…

I just can’t seem to “not” lead my wife! God did not build me that way.  So how can I lead in a way that pleases her and fulfills her needs? Whether that be shopping or kissing.  When it comes to sex, ladies can find a wealth of free information through free blogs or magazines. There are tons of both Christian and secular advice about how to fulfill your mans sexual needs. And likewise!

When I look for kissing advice all I can find is if he doesn’t make you tingle… NEXT!

I think this is really bad!  Yes it is true sex is the goal in my male brain for kissing, but I’m willing to kiss for hours to get there! Is that bad? I like kissing too!  So I beg you ladies out there to assist me to begin compiling a wealth of information about how a man can kiss his wife in a way that makes her want to have sex!  It seems to me that is how God designed it to work…

So go ahead, give me your play by play of kissing 101


I am not a smoker, I did try very hard to be one in my youth to “fit in” in high school for about 4 months, but I just couldn’t hack it.  I stopped quite easily because I did not “like” smoking, but to this day all my friends who are smokers try quitting again and again and again.  I know of a person from my past that recently started smoking again after having been a non smoker for nearly 15 years!

The reason I assume it’s so hard to quit smoking is that the motivation behind quitting is trumped by that fact that the smoker enjoys smoking.  It’s when the smoker stops “enjoying it” or that the harm it poses outweighs the enjoyment it provides that they are able to quit and be truly free of it.  My wife was a smoker for roughly 17 years of her life or so, she has mentioned the occasional spur of a craving from time to time.

OK, the reality: I “like” porn!

I know its bad for me. It affects my marriage. I know it’s bad, I choose not to pursue it anymore but it is a battle!  I was finally able to view the spiritual consequences to tip that scale. I always knew it was bad for me and my relationship, but it wasn’t until I could feel the spiritual consequences and see them manifesting into my marriage that I could stop returning to my sin.

I live my life on guard against the occasional spur of a craving from time to time…lets be honest, I am presented with temptation almost daily.

Recently in a coaching session I had the thought of asking a gentleman “what” he liked about it… I figured that if he was aware of that, he could redirect that attention to his wife and revive their sexual relationship. Also, if his wife was aware of what he was seeking by going outside of their relationship for fulfillment she may be able to come along side him in the battle to insure that she was meeting that need.

In turn I also answered the same question to him to be vulnerable and fair. To be sure he knew I wasn’t high and mighty as if “porn” didn’t affect me…

When I watch movies or read books, I tend to find myself in the perspective that I am living out what the characters are living out, so I confessed that for me the lure towards porn is the observation of seeing the female appearing affectionate, enthusiastic, eager, and passionate to serve her counter part in the “story”.

I was first lured to porn in hopes of feeling loved the way I would best feel loved.  I need my wife to be an affectionate, enthusiastic, eager, and passionate sex partner. And way more often than she is able or willing.

What a danger zone!!!

When your enjoyment of anything trumps its consequences, you will justify it until you are blue in the face.  Identifying “why” you enjoy it, so you can replace it with something positive, as well as identifying what makes it harmful is also a good course of action to make significant beneficial changes for you.

Ok so try to dig deep inside your heart and answer “why” you “like” porn.

Here are some issues porn can cause in your relationship…

#1 Porn invites comparison

#2 Porn encourages lies

#3 Porn lowers self-worth

#4 Porn robs us of intimacy

#5 Porn is adultery (but so are romance novels…just saying)

I once had a friend describe to me in excruciating detail a porn clip he had watched.  He was so enthusiastic! So caught up in it! So excited! He got me worked up with his enthusiasm and I was a new Christian trying really hard to fight that temptation…

So I said to him with disgust…Dude! 

Think all the way back through that erotic moment for you and relish in the way you described the details and picture the woman you just told me about…now replace that woman’s face with that of your 2-year-old daughter.  He was appalled and told me how disgusting and horrible I was.

I responded “dude, when you watch that stuff just remember that those women are somebody’s mothers, aunts, wife, sisters, or daughters!  Would you watch your mothers, aunts, wife, sisters, or daughters do that stuff with such enthusiasm?  We have never touched the subject since.

Ironically like a secret smoker, I have been back to porn since I said those things to my friend, it is so shaming to keep returning.  As of now it’s been a while since I have viewed anything, but I am so careful because any time in my life I have started patting my self on the back for not being back to view porn is when I find myself in the middle of watching, wondering what just happened to me???

Now I feel it is appropriate to confess what is my biggest trigger to return is (do you feel like I am foreshadowing to prepare you for my wife’s blog next Tuesday? that is because I am!)  The feelings that make it most difficult to resist the lure are when I am hurt enough and there is enough of a disconnect with my wife that I am tempted to return to porn due to feeling bitter, resentful, and angry about being sexually rejected by my wife.  Or rejected by my wife for any reason honestly.

OK, sorry, I have to recap this for my own sanity…

Here is my potential crazy cycle.  I need my wife to be an affectionate, enthusiastic, eager, and passionate sex partner, and way more often than she is willing or able.  The feelings that make it most difficult to resist the lure are when I am hurt enough and there is enough of a disconnect with my wife that I am tempted to return to porn due to feeling bitter, resentful, and angry about being sexually rejected by my wife.  Or rejected by my wife for any reason honestly.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster that sometimes feels useless to fight!

What does a guy do about it?

For now, the only answer for me is to run not walk to God when tempted and find a way to be able to have openness and vulnerability in my marriage and be a huge encourager of keeping my wife as close to God as I can help her be!

Please share your thoughts and or experiences so that the rest of us may find some useful solace in your failures and successes…

Just Fluff the Towel

Have you ever contemplated the habits of your spouse?  Why does he do those things he does?  Why does she insist on doing things that way?  Why doesn’t my spouse do things my way?  I have, and what I came up with is “we are very different people” but my husband makes sure to notice what I like and do those things for me.

It was all those different, interesting habits that made me fall in love my husband in the first place!

I have a very attentive husband who pays attention to the little things I like and tries to remember to do them for me.  He has never really asked me why I do something a certain way, or if I would stop doing it.  My habits may get on his nerves once in a while, but he tries to accommodate them instead of making me feel foolish about them.

My husband is so patient with my time issue.  I am a very prompt person and I am always aware of what time it is and what needs to be accomplished for the day, a task master you could say.  My husband doesn’t always appreciate this about me but he does his best to accommodate it when appropriate and direct me away from it when necessary.  He does this all with love and patience.

My husband has some things that he likes that at first I thought were a little strange, but they were also endearing to me. 

When we sit down to eat a meal my husband enjoys it when our plates and utensils match, he eats fried chicken with two forks so he doesn’t have to touch it and he loves when his towel is fluffing in the dryer while he is showering so that when he gets out it is warm for him.  None of these habits are a problem for me, I have just noticed he likes those things.

We can either get mad about something we may not understand or we can choose to see that it pleases another person and go out of our way to provide it for them.

Our spouses give us a road map daily of how we can meet needs for them and provide them with things they enjoy.  Sometimes we have a tendency to get annoyed with our spouses habits and criticize them for having them, that is a very easy trap to fall into, they are different than us and the things they like don’t always make sense to us.

Choose love over annoyance and decide to make the effort to meet your spouses needs, make them feel special and like you were listening and paying attention to them instead of making them feel you are frustrated about their habits.  Just fluff the towel, more than likely you will be rewarded by your spouse “fluffing your towel”, and other things that you may enjoy.

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