New Loveseat

#9 Wife (The Anti-Porn)

This summer we are revisiting our top 10 posts, # 9 Wife, (The Anti-Porn)

was originally posted January 7, 2014

 

THE PEANUT BUTTER COOKIE

Let’s say that you are married to someone who is allergic to peanut butter and has asked you to never bring it into the house or to eat it because if you kissed he could get really sick. Now you do this for your spouse because you love him even though you like peanut butter cookies and they are hard for you to turn away from when placed in front of you.

On a Tuesday afternoon you are having coffee with a girlfriend and she offers you a peanut butter cookie, you know you shouldn’t have one but you really want one, it has been two years since you have gotten to eat a peanut butter cookie! You decide that just this once won’t hurt you, it is 2pm and you won’t see your husband until 6pm for dinner. You eat the peanut butter cookie, making sure you enjoy it slowly as you know it will be a really long time until you may be able to have another. You and your friend visit and enjoy the afternoon and then you head home to make dinner for your husband.

You get in your car to drive home and the paranoia starts to set it. What if he can smell me, what if I don’t brush my teeth well enough, he is going to know! Why oh why did I do that. If any of that peanut butter gets onto my husband it can make him very sick. He asked me not to do that, why did I do that? You arrive home and frantically run into the bathroom to brush your teeth and check you clothes for crumbs as a tell tale sign of the peanut butter cookie eating that has just taken place. You tell yourself you will never do this again, it isn’t worth it and if he finds out it will hurt him and make him mad.

You feel that the evidence is all gone and try to calm down while making dinner for your husband, you decide to make his favorite to set him off on the right foot incase he finds out about the cookie. You hear his car pull in the driveway and you start arguing with yourself in your head over whether or not you should just tell him because he is going to kiss you when he walks through the door. All of a sudden that peanut butter cookie has become a matter of life and death! What do you do? Would your husband divorce you over eating a peanut butter cookie? How mad will he be? The door opens and in walks your husband. He approaches you to embrace you for a hello baby kiss.

The above story may seem a little far fetched, but I am wanting to shed some perspective on what men typically go through after having viewed pornography, it is similar in process and we sometimes fail to see that there are other areas in our lives that have as severe of effects on our relationships as pornography although we would view them differently and with less severity.

PORNOGRAPHY

There are a lot of thought processes out there concerning pornography, here are mine to add to the collection.

I have viewed pornography during my lifetime. When I was younger I didn’t understand the damage caused by it, I have learned some truths about it and it has never been something I have wanted to go back to view. I was allured into the same trap that many men are so easily pulled into, so when reading my thoughts on the topic, keep in mind that I too have been guilty and I am not in judgment of others who have, I am presenting what I feel can be some solutions to the hurt it causes.

Pornography can be hurtful on so many levels.

When you are looking at pornography, you are watching God’s sons and daughters in ways you were never meant to see them, in private acts meant for a marriage relationship. The images that get looked at are of real people, these people are the children of a parent somewhere out there, and I wouldn’t want the world seeing any of my children in this way, just like I don’t want to see anyone’s children in this way.  When you are looking at pornographic images it causes your spouse to feel unsatisfactory, like they are not enough to fulfill you.  It can feel like cheating, you went around your marriage partner in an area sacred to marriage.

It can be hurtful if you mention something you have seen for your spouse to try with you because they know where you learned it.

If your spouse was looking at pornography, how would you feel about it? Be truthful. Most people I have asked this question have let me know they would be really upset, especially the people who have admitted to me that they have looked at it.

Conclusions I have drawn

Men discover porn because of curiosity and the unfortunate availability of it during this time in history.  Men are visual beings and they get drawn into it like a moth to a flame.

I feel that pornography eventually becomes something men run to out of hurt. Whether it is that they are angry, frustrated, sad, etc. Men will go to porn for a reason and usually that reason is to fulfill something emotional that is missing for them. It may be that they are not receiving acceptance from their spouse and they like to view images where the partners are enthusiastic about each other. It may be that they are trying to make themselves feel better about something they have done and they feel that if they view people doing something they feel is worse it makes them not feel so bad.

Pornography is a circumstance in life; it is a choice people make when they bring it into their marriages.

How do you handle other circumstances in your marriage?  I feel that like any other circumstance in life, pornography should be handled as a couple. If there is an understanding of a problem going on and there can be open communication about it, the issue is more likely to be solved. Whoever is viewing the porn should be responsible for themselves not viewing it, but it would be much easier to overcome with a support system and your spouse is the best support system you have. I think there are some key areas to address when combatting this together. Understanding why the spouse is going to pornography is the first place to start. If you can honestly look at what is drawing a person there you can address that issue.

Wife (The Anti-Porn)

As a spouse of someone who struggles with pornography, I have placed myself in the line of fire with him, instead of at him.  We combat this enemy together and I take the responsibility very seriously.  I don’t want pornography to be a part of my marriage so I have been proactive with my husband about the causes and have discussed with him how I sometimes play a role in his urge to want to view it.  I put the responsibility solely on my husband to not look at pornography, but I take responsibility for the contributors I have and in being purposeful about meeting the needs of my husband so that he wants to come look at me, not at pornography.  I make every attempt at being what my husband needs sexually and emotionally so that anything else would pale in comparison, any husband I know would rather be really doing it than watching strangers do it.

Don’t get me wrong, I get upset if there is a slip and pornography is viewed.

Luckily it has been quite awhile, but I know it is like smoking or alcohol or any other thing that tempts people, they always have the ability to slip back.  The one area I had to combat for myself was that I wanted it black or white and what was the consequence for a slip up.  Would I really leave if my husband viewed pornography again?  Would my husband really leave me if I ate a peanut butter cookie?  I had to learn some grace with my husband and to put it in perspective for myself.

Pornography is never ok with me, but how I behave about it is on me, not my husband. 

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