New Loveseat

#3 Foreplay

This summer we are revisiting our top 10 posts, #3 Foreplay

was originally posted April 14, 2014

This weekend in our small group we talked about foreplay and it has had me thinking about the importance of foreplay in a marriage.

While discussing foreplay at group it became quite apparent that men and women view foreplay and its role in marriage very differently.  My husband made an analogy that makes great sense.  He said that men view foreplay as the ride or attraction at Disney Land while women view foreplay as all of the stops on the way to Disney Land.  In other words, men see foreplay as a part of sex and women see it as all of the things that lead up to having sex.  While discussing this in group I realized that my husband and I have very different views on foreplay and that we should talk about it.

Do you and your spouse ever talk about foreplay?

We have had some discussions about foreplay since that meeting and we are discovering that it is beneficial to talk about it.  Talking about it has openly helped us to discover what needs we can be meeting for each other and it can help us to get the best out of our marriage and our sex life.  Sometimes it can be a little scary to be vulnerable and talk about these things with your spouse, but the bible says in James 4:2 “you have not because you ask not.”  As I age, I find it easier and easier to let my husband know the things I like, want, and need from him.  He is all too happy to find out how he can increase intimacy in our marriage.  For more on talking about sex with your partner, see our article Putting the “S” in Sex. 

Do you and your spouse touch each other throughout the day?

For most women, foreplay goes on throughout the whole day, not just ten minutes before sex is about to happen.  Little caresses throughout the day or a shoulder rub can go along way to communicate foreplay to a wife.  These little acts of affection can also have the same effect on men, who usually have the love language of “Physical Touch”, see the five love languages test online at  Kissing throughout the day or a brush of the hand are all parts of heading towards sex for most women and it is helpful for husbands to learn the ways their wives like to be affectionate throughout the day.  For more on this subject, see our article Sex and Touch in Marriage.

Did you have any idea that doing the dishes can be foreplay for your wife?

Another point that seemed unanimous among the women in our group was that a husband doing the dishes or some other chore, like taking out the garbage, was viewed as foreplay.  Through discussion it became evident that men performing acts of service was sexy to their wives for a multitude of reasons.  It showed that they cared about their wives, that they were willing to help around the house to make time to spend together, and that the feeling of relief about chores being done and not having to do them all alone created a feeling of wanting to reward a husband with closeness.  Most men don’t like to do chores, so rewarding them intimately is a great way to ensure that they get the message and are likely to do them again.  For more on this subject, see our article A Clean Kitchen Begins in the Bedroom.

Did you know that privacy is key to creating intimacy for your wife?

One more nugget that came out of our conversation was that privacy and having enough time to be intimate were vitally important for women to feel they could put their hair down and rock their husband’s worlds!  Nothing kills the mood more than a child knocking on the bedroom door, and the women in group all agreed that it is important to be proactive about making sure you will have privacy during intimacy.  Coming up with a plan together before hand is a great way to ensure privacy and a better intimate experience.  It also seemed very important that there be enough “relaxed” time for a woman the have a good time.  Being on a schedule or in a hurry does not lend itself to a woman being able to relax and really connect with her husband during sex.  Taking a little time ahead to plan can go a long way to ensuring you have mutually fulfilling sex.  For more on this subject, see our article Intimacy, Undivided Attention, and the Golden Rule.

The most important thing to creating great foreplay is communication.  Openly discussing these topics in your marriage can improve your sex life, letting your spouse know your needs it vital to you enjoying your time with them.  Also, openly discussing and assuming that you are both correct in your individual perspectives will get the two of you a long way together with much gain by benefiting from not only your own perspective but also your lover’s!

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