This summer we are revisiting out top 10 posts, #2 Sex And Touch In Marriage
was originally posted December 10, 2013
Lisa’s thoughts on sex and touch in marriage…
Many books and theories boast that non-sexual touch is necessary for a woman to be able to grow intimately with her husband. I feel that this concept confuses many men and they just give up due to not being able to grasp the concept of non-sexual touch. Non-sexual touch leads to intimacy which leads to sex, so it is a necessary part of a marriage for a woman that contributes to her being sexually intimate with her husband.
Let’s take a look at non-sexual touch in ways that maybe both men and women could understand it so that it could work together for the both of them.
Typically, men do not understand non-sexual touch because most facets of their lives is sexual, they are sexual beings. For them, the thought of sex enters their minds on average of once a minute in some way, so they cannot escape it. Instead of looking at it as a problem and that something is wrong with them, we should see it as their make up, part of their system. It is the same as our love need to nurture, it is inherent and just a part of us. If we can separate why we don’t like it and why we think it is wrong and just learn to accept it for what it is and work our marriages to utilize it we would all be much more pleased with our marriages.
Men usually cannot touch their wives without thinking about it sexually, they love us and they want to show us how much through sex, it just is what it is and how God made them.
Sex is a binding agent in marriages and God made men so that they would always be chasing it and wanting to bond with their mate to keep intimacy strong in a marriage. Because of this, it makes sense to me that some people cheat if they are not getting their needs met, we are made to mate and bond and if we are not bonding with our spouse, we are likely to try to find someone else to bond with.
Just so all the men can know right now and figure it out easily, non-sexual touch means any touching that doesn’t lead to sex, it is all of the touching that you do throughout the day to get to the sex. Let’s just call it touching, we all touch each other and sometimes sex is a product of it and sometimes it isn’t, it is just leading up to it later, but it all eventually adds up to enough touching to want to have sex. So touching is important in marriage to build intimacy.
Non-sexual touch for a woman is a whole different ballgame and they want specific forms of it.
Just like we all like different foods, sports or clothes, different wives like and need different forms of touching. Some wives like to hold hand with their husbands, some in public, some only in private. Some husbands like to have their backs rubbed by their wives while sitting at the movies. No matter what your favorite forms of touch are, what is important is that your spouse knows you like and need them and that you know what forms your spouse needs and then that you both provide them for each other.
Where has all the kissing gone?
Let’s go back to the start of your relationship to figure out what forms of touch connected you in the first place. When you were first dating there were ways your spouse touched you that built intimacy and formed a bond that brought you together and eventually ended up in a sexual relationship. These were the brushing of hands that lead to hand holding and hugging, them kissing, etc. These are still an essential part of marriage that lead into these things. Many married couples experience a decrease in kissing just for the sake of kissing. Eventually in some marriages kissing is only present during love making, this is in part due to touching decreasing and small physical tokens of love coming to a halt or being taken for granted.
Kissing is a big part of what physically drives a woman to want to have sex.
If you kiss your wife for 5 minutes she is likely to get excited and want to have a mutually fulfilling sexual experience with her husband. So-called “foreplay” is a vital part of what makes the sexual experience rewarding for a woman and there are sometimes multiple complicated steps to get there, but it is well worth the work if a man wants his sexual desires met in a way that fulfill him and meet his need for an intimate connection. The goal here is for a husband to learn what his wife desires in non-sexual touch.
Touching is about intimacy and it is a way to build it, it is a secret unspoken language between spouses.
When a man touches a woman he has an end goal of sex, it is normal and natural, and is how he shares intimacy with his wife. When a woman gets touched by her husband she perceives it as loving, a caress or a playful gesture that works towards an end goal, but for the present time makes her feel good and thought about, treasured and protected. When a wife touches a husband she in conveying her love for him and may be flirting in a way that says I am attracted to you. A husband usually has a sexual thought when his wife touches him because he had a need to be touched and share sexual intimacy with his wife. Neither spouse in incorrect or has a skewed vision of what they need, it is just different from their spouse.
When looking at the importance of touch in a marriage it is vital to accept the others need for what it is and fulfill it, stop wasting time being offended or critical and get on to the love making stage, it is way more fun anyway!